Five Reasons The Longhorns Won't Win The BCS Title This Year

Finally -- after what seems a wait of approximately five years -- college football is back.

The New York Times, of all people, has picked the UT Longhorns as the Number One team in the nation. A lot of other experts, not to mention Red Bull-swilling, Cheeto-chomping, Mom-avoiding bloggers, pick UT to finish second, behind Florida, which would mean the two would meet up in the BCS title game.

But we're here to tell you that there is absolutely no way the Longhorns make the title game, much less win it. Of course they're ranked high in the pre-season; annually, there are two times when such things happen: Before the Longhorns begin their conference schedule, and when recruiting rankings come out on signing day. (In other words, whenever Mack Brown's Xs-and-Os coaching abillity isn't part of the discussion.)

But, as is always the case whenever there are: a) Any black players on the team, and b) None of them are named Vince Young, this will not be UT's year. Again. Why?

5. Colt McCoy is a skinny prettyboy. A guy named "Colt McCoy" would be played in the movies by John Wayne or Dolph Lundgren. Colt McCoy the UT QB would be played by Anthony Michael Hall, and we know how that worked out: Things were so unwatchable that no one stuck around for the ending. That ending no doubt featured an ultra-slow-motion touchdown, but if a movie cliche falls in the forest and no one sees it, does it count?

4. There have been a distressing lack of arrests of UT players this year. Normally, UT is a mjor force to be reckoned with in the Fulmer Cup, EDSBS's all-important ranking of player arrests and scandals. This year they're getting their ass beat by UTEP. We have to therefore question the heart of this year's squad, and it's dedication to Longhorn tradition.

3. Mack Brown is still grumpy because it gets hot in the Middle East. Brown took a USO tour of the troops this off-season and blogged about it; the blog became an interminable list of gripes that deserts are dusty, military airports are noisy, and you don't get the weekend off on a USO tour. These things can only be distractions. "Coach, what are we going to do to prepare for all the noise at Oklahoma State?" "Noise? You want noise? Try flying in a C-17, son. That's noise. Why, I had to have my iPod...." Twenty minutes later, as he's rambling on about the quality of latrine toilet paper, the assistant coach slowly realizes the team will be at the mercy of the Stillwater crowd.

2. Louisiana-Monroe will present a tough challenge. Sure, they're no Sam Houston State, but the [whatever nickname they are] will be a worthy opponent. Why else would UT schedule them? We mean, besides the fact that they couldn't get Houston Community College to agree to a game?

1. UT will have to play defense, too. We know the Big 12 has become a delightful pass-happy version of the Pac 10, where gaudy statistics become commonplace because everyone's playing basketball on grass. McCoy will personally throw for one-and-a-half zillion yards. But what happens when UT doesn't have the ball? The guady statistics start to be racked up by the other side. Whoever gets the ball last wins, and that's a shaky way to get through the season without at least one or two slip-ups or bad breaks.

Maybe next year, Longhorns. Assuming you get a player named Vince Young.

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