Five Reasons Your Facebook Friends Hate You

​It's true. Your Facebook friends all hate you. You don't know it, but most of them hid your sorry ass long ago. That's how it came to be that nobody ever likes or comments on anything you ever post.

But we polled our Facebook friends to delve deeper into the issue and here are five reasons why you got hidden in the first place. (Besides your penchant for Farmville, Mafia Wars, sending people stupid drinks, poking people, and forwarding YouTubes that were played out in 2006.)

5. You whine about stuff we all have to endure. And you expect to be congratulated even for accomplishing nothing. You also think we are interested in what you had to eat or that your kid successfully emptied his bowels into a toilet. You treat this place like Twitter. You fill up our feeds with music videos we've seen a billion times and you say ever' blessed one of them is "amazing."

Citizen Doug Robertson is tired of your "Drunken epitaphs, bodily complaints, rants about school sucking an chronic depression updates. Joe Muscara has had it with the way you "post the same thing every morning about how amazing it is to have made it to another day," and you are not even, like, suffering from cancer or the Black Death or anything. 

4. You preach, self-promote and brag. Albert Perez hates people who try to drag you out to "whatever fuckheaded bar" they work in. He says these people seem always to believe that theirs is the only bar in town, and they also seem to think bartending is "some kind of Ninja skill."

Leslie Sloan is sick of you becoming a fan of yourself and then you having the unmitigated gall to actually ask people to become fans of you too. David Cook might be happy you find God, but he hates your testaments to the awesomeness of the Holy Spirit, "cuz He made sure [you] were awake in time to make breakfast." An old high school friend of Cody Hardin's looked him up, friended him, and then proceeded to treat him like a sales lead. "Get a business profile, geez," Hardin grouses.

Pen Morrison doesn't like being told she's gotten the cold shoulder: She hates hearing about the stupid dinner parties you threw and didn't invite her, and the overelaborate birthday you threw for your spoiled little brat that you didn't invite her kid to.

3. You browbeat and FaceMail. You actually forward crap that says stuff like "95% of people won't copy-and-paste this into their own status. Will YOU?" Yes, if you are as much of a drooling sheepleton as the moron who posted that to begin with. [H/t to Jim Porter]

2. You Vaguebook. You hint about highly personal drama and then don't spill the beans. You are a Facebook prick-tease / premature ejaculator. Sometimes you even post crap that leads people to believe that you are in danger of hurting yourself, and then try to claim it was all a big misunderstanding after a few dozen people who care about you for some reason panic over your sorry ass.

1. And you Baitbook. You fish for compliments from your friends chorus of fawning sycophants while pretending not to.

Local playwright Crystal Jackson totally nailed this mega-narcissistic posting style on her blog :

DRAMA QUEEN: Jeezus, this guy in line behind me at the DMV is totally checking out my ass. Dream on, loser. 
ENABLER1: Come on, girl, you know you're hot!
ENABLER2: I'd be staring at your ass if I were behind you. Rawr!
DRAMA QUEEN: I should be able to go out of my house without having to beat guys off me all day. Enough already. This is why I'm single.

Do you see how you did that? How, superficially, it looks like you are complaining about an irritating experience at the DMV, something we can all relate to. But if you dig just a little bit deeper, you're actually talking about how nice your ass is. And it may be nice, I don't know, but that's not the point. You are basically setting up your friends to also talk about how nice your ass is, setting off a chain reaction of ass compliments. Instead of responding with a sheepish, "Aw shucks, guys," you instead say that not only was someone checking your ass out today, but this is something that you deal with every time you leave your house. Because you're just that hot.

And you just suck that much, Facebook loser.

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