Five Spring Break Movies To Avoid Like A Mexican Border Town

Next week begins the high point of Spring Break, meaning -- when you take into account the early-Friday exits -- that today is the last full day for a lot of people.

There's no better way to get ready for Spring Break than by watching Spring Break movies. These can be dangerous waters to step into, however.

Here are five Spring Break movies which we haven't seen, but which send out so many red flags that only a masochist would ever voluntarily look at them.

Title: Spring Break Lawyer
Tagline: Justice Has Hit the Beach!
Starring: Brad Raider and Busy Phillips. And Adrienne Barbeau as a judge.
Review blurb: "One good gag involves hookers who take credit cards and have the same almost sympathetic attitude as the checkout lady at a department store when the payment is declined."
Red flags: Wacky clothes combination on cover; movie directed by the guy who directed The Man Show and one episode of Lizzie McGuire.

Title: Spring Break Massacre
Tagline: Party till you drop...DEAD
Starring: Christian Anderson and Reggie Bannister (who is soon to be in a movie titled Not Another B Movie, by the way.)
Review blurb: From the IMDB message board about this filmed-in-2008 movie: "Hey, everyone!

For all of you who have waited patiently -- or for those of you who didn't and purchased a region 2 or other DVD -- good news.

"Spring Break Massacre" is getting it's state-side release via SKD DVD in early 2010."
Red Flags: Shot in less that eight days.

Title: Spring Break Shark Attack
Tagline: Spring Break. Some come for the party. Others come for the buffet. (Also, "This year, Spring Break really bites.")
Starring: Shannon Lucio, Justin Baldoni (Yo, what is dis -- Jersey Shore?)
Review Blurb: "The title is correct in that it features both spring break and sharks attacking people, but it fails miserably to combine both or come out with anything worthwhile."
Red Flags: Although it's set in Florida, there are mountains visible on the beach.

Title: Spring Break 24/7 (a/k/a/ National Lampoon's Spring Break)
Tagline: Couldn't be bothered to come up with one
Starring: Nikki Schieler Ziering and Diego Villarreal Garcia
Review Blurb: "Bad. Boring. Dumb. If you are renting it for the T&A, forget it. There is better elsewhere....Not worth renting even if you have the unlimited 2-in 2-out rental deals."
Red Flags: Diego Villarreal Garcia stars "as himself." Also, IMDB says "If you enjoyed this movie, our database also recommends Van Wilder: Freshman Year."

Title: Spring Breakdown
Tagline: Payback's a beach!
Starring: A great cast -- Amy Poehler, Parker Posey, Rachel Dratch, Missi Pyle, Will Arnett, Seth Myers
Review Blurb: "The annual Sundance 'What the f---' moment has arrived in the form of Spring Breakdown, a very bad genre exercise starring some very good comedic actresses."
Red Flags: Yeah, a great cast. But this thing was stuck on the shelf for three years and then went straight to DVD. Also, the heavy SNL vibe gives it some It's Pat potential.

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Richard Connelly
Contact: Richard Connelly