Let me preface this post by saying that I love my kids, all three of them. They are named James, Judy Anne, and Sammy and they are ages 12, 12, and 11.
They have all played sports since virtually the time they could walk and attending their sporting events -- whether it's soccer, football, baseball, whatever -- is one of my greatest thrills. As a parent, it's fun watching your kids compete. It never gets old.
That's the fun part. Unfortunately, the youth sports experience oftentimes also comes with a side of a douchebaggery, namely the small handful of parents whose scouting report on their kid is about three letter grades higher than it should be and who treats every single call like he has an eight-team parlay riding on the outcome of the game.
Every team seemingly has one, and the bigger the stakes (i.e. travel soccer, state cup) the louder he is. They're as woven into the fabric of youth sports as orange slices at halftime.
So were we really all that surprised when a bench-clearing brawl broke out between coaching staffs of a Pearland pee wee football game this week?
If you missed Rich Connelly's post on it earlier, here is the video....
First, there's a special dose of karma ready to be served up for the coach who delivered the cheap shot to the back of that coach's head. Just a complete chickenshit thing to do.
Beyond that, I've decided after viewing this footage that I can't fix society. I'm one man and for me to try and convert all of the boneheaded, overzealous parents is too big a job. Instead, in an effort to try and help those of you who fall into that category become the best ass clown you can be, I want to give you a simple five-point plan to being the biggest possible parental uber-asshole of all-time.
Here we go....
1. When you're angry, CURSE. And then CURSE, and then CURSE some more.
Instructions: Don't sit idly by and watch the other team make a mockery of your offspring. Cheer loud, cheer proud, cheer vulgar. Because nothing says you care about your child more than lacing your sentences with four-, ten- and twelve-letter bombs.
Prototype: The unnamed woman in this video, who by my count dropped about thirteen curse words in 40 seconds. (If you're at work, may want to turn the volume down.)
2. Money talks. Bribery is cool.
Instructions: Positive reinforcement can be a good thing, and I'm always a fan of teaching a kid about a hard day's work. So if the game is important enough, don't be afraid to bribe them for goals, touchdowns, or home runs. Bounties on other players are acceptable anywhere from the quarterfinal round on.
Prototype: Silvio Dante, of Sopranos fame, at about the 0:12 mark offering his daughter $100 for a goal. Not a bad day's work for a sixteen-year old.
3. The Referees are always wrong, and when they're REALLY wrong, punch them.
Instructions:If you are trying to embed one element of douchebaggery into your brain to the point where it's involuntary, make sure it is your hatred for the officials (i.e. referees, umpires). Those in a position of authority on the field are there to do one thing -- screw your kid over. Also, it's okay to physically manhandle them.
Prototype: This guy grabbing a hockey referee as he's leaving the ice. (Double Asshole Points for picking a fight on a dry surface with a dude on ice skates when you have on regular shoes. Strong.)
4. Compromising family business is not advisable.
Instructions: During the course of channeling your hatred for all things not-your-kid, get into a zone. Forget any outside ramifications that, say, pulverizing the jaw of a mother from the other team may have on, say, your mob boss brother who can ill afford any heat from the authorities.
Prototype: Janice Soprano, whose MMA-style beatdown of this preppy mother led all the newscasts that night because her brother was the Don of New Jersey.
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5. CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! Instructions: Sometimes you may feel inhibited or shy, especially if your child is new to the team and you're unfamiliar with the rest of the parents. One great way to help bring your guard down is to guzzle some booze before the game. A little "liquid courage" will go a long way to helping you realize your long-term jackass potential.
Prototype: Shooter from Hoosiers, who perfected the trifecta of drunken fan, alcoholic parent, and delicate genius (complete with withdrawal shakes).
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.