The Christmas shopping season is in full swing, such as it is this year. The airwaves are full of idiotic giggling women who have been waiting patiently and desperately to see if they'll get a ring from their boyfriend, because Lord knows no woman would ever bring up the subject of marriage herself.
You've also got the Lexus-with-a-bow ads, `nuff said.
But it's not like we're the only people who were baffled or troubled by Christmas advertisements. Check out these ghosts of Christmas past.
5. The World's Most Exciting Typewriter
In simpler times, families would eagerly wait for the Christmas season, counting down the days until they could head downtown and see the wonderful window displays featuring the absolutely newest typewriters and adding machines.
This be-mittened girl is shrieking with delight as she looks at the back of a typewriter. Or maybe there's a roach crawling around that we can't see. The only way someone could be more excited about a typewriter than this family is if it was Gutenberg looking at one in 1439.
4. Yeah, It's A Gas Station....Play With It, Dammit!!
On the other end of the excited-girl scale we have this little gal, who can barely keep herself awake as she numbly points out that this gas station has a window. "Look, a window," she mumbles in an Ambien haze. Brother Biff eagerly looks over; this photo catches him only nanoseconds before he experiences the crushing disappointment that will come with seeing "the window."
We do like the fact that this set -- made of "rugged plastic" and costing $3.50 -- can be purchased by law-away. Very considerate. To further help matters, a uniformed Texaco employee demonstrates how to hold a coupon.
3. "Find The Man Who Doesn't Take Joy In Smoking A Pipe"
Yessir, nothing says "relaxing" like sitting next to an oversized drum, leaning back in your chair and blowing a few smoke rings. Fuck that kid next door -- it's not your fault that the guys in this house decided to leave a little tobacky for Ol' Santa. That kid next door can wait. He's probably on the Naughty List anyway. Santa looks so blissed that we have to wonder just what's in that pipe.
2. Christmas...And Steel!
Back in the day, kids dreamed of steel toys. Made by manly men, working the mills for 10 hours before going out to get drunk and brawl. These men made toys that after two weeks' play became lethal weapons, as jagged edges ripped the skin off unsuspecting babes, giving them tetanus if not the actual loss of a digit. The Weirton Steel Company was proud to do their part. They do want it known, however, that they have nothing to do with that hideous modern mobile hanging in the living room.
1. Happier With A Hoover
Seductively sprawled on the floor, imagining the happy hours she'll be spending with this madly vibrating appliance...yeah, we guess she's going to be happier with a Hoover, pops. Just look at the way she lovingly caresses it. Nice job wrapping it, too, Bub. We don't know what's better, giving your wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas or just throwing a random bow on it before heading for the bar. We are also left to wonder why the woman is wearing what seems to be a four-person tent, judging by the amount of material used.
-- Richard Connelly
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