Five Very Bad Father's Day Gifts

Father's Day: What are you gonna do?

You are forced by the powers that be to get something, unless your Dad has passed on to his reward. And if you're a Dad yourself, then you have to resign yourself to books from that one author someone saw on your shelf (never mind that you hated that book), tools from people who don't know one-tenth about tools as you, or a gag T-shirt that's funny for about two seconds and will never be worn. (We refuse to believe anyone still gives ties, except ironically, and lots of luck with that.)

A lot of bad Father's Day gifts out there to be given. Here are five.

5. A vibrator A no-brainer, we would think, but this ad haunts our dreams. Why the hell does the guy react like he does at the end? We refuse to believe one interpretation, which is that 'Yay, we got three vibrators" gets such a happy reaction because the woman has, ummm, only two orifices where a vibrator could conceivably be used, meaning there's one left for the man of the house.

4. A Tom Clancy book Two mistakes you can make here -- one, the most prevalent, is that you buy a book with "By Tom Clancy" in huge letters and "With John Doe" (or whatever) in much smaller letters. That means you're getting mass-produced hack drivel.

The second mistake would be to actually buy a new Tom Clancy no-co-author novel. Clancy used to turn out taut, entertaining thrillers, but somewhere along the line he got too big to be edited. So now he writes 300 pages of a taut, entertaining thriller and he wraps it in a 600-page bloated whale of rightwing claptrap. There's nothing like having all the action come to a complete standstill just so some character can deliver a multi-page Rush Limbaugh monologue. It's like Atlas Shrugged with high-tech killer gear.

3. A Band of Brothers box set If you were to believe the ads, there's nothing Dad likes more than a World War II documentary or movie. The John Wayne Classic collection, the History Channel 80-minute montage of Stukas swooping into a divebomb, the definitive multi-DVD anthology of propeller aircraft crashing on aircraft carrier flight decks: It's what every Dad craves. And when its's the Spielberg-Hanks factory pumping out the maudlin, you can't go wrong. Right?

2. Astros tickets Wow, seed of my loins, you got me a multi-game dirt-cheap mini-game package of the `Stros taking on the Pirates, Padres and the Nationals. Yeah, thanks.

1. Born This Way You get points for not giving the Dean Martin collection. But you have chosen....unwisely.

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