Is there a less sexy holiday than Thanksgiving? Sure, Memorial Day can be a downer, what with all the remembering the heroic dearly departed. And Columbus Day gets into all that stuff about Europeans spreading STDs like a rogue fraternity with a big-time roofie pipeline.
But Thanksgiving? Really not much to work with there.
Still, all is not lost. Here are some tips on how to make this upcoming Thanksgiving the sexiest one of all.
1. Turkey Basters.
An enduring part of lesbian lore. Sure, it involves that part of lesbian lore where two women have settled down for a comfortable relationship (according to another part of lesbian lore, that would be the second date), but it also involves vaginas. So whenever grandma gets going on another boring story around the turkey, just let your mind drift off to....turkey basters. Involving Penelope Cruz, somehow. (Not pictured: Penelope Cruz.)
2. Sexy Pilgrims!!!
Sure, not even Winona Ryder -- back when she was really Winona Ryder -- could pull it off, but maybe you know someone who can. Probably not with this outfit, though. Unless you're in the Taliban, in which case you would be outraged.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
3. Remember Phoebe Cates working over that carrot in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
If you really want to impress everyone, use a drumstick instead. Fat-end first, of course.
4. Three words: Pumpkin-Pie-Filling Wrestling.
Much less gross than Jell-o. Ooops - this ain't the year for it.
5. Whatever you do, don't do this.