The Los Angeles Times had a report out today on a Texas guy whose story we had somehow missed: Using a "high-pitched voice" on the phone, he had somehow convinced rich guys that he was Bree Condon, who, the article informed us, is "a successful model and aspiring actress who'd done a Guess jeans campaign and posed for Maxim magazine's swimsuit issue."
We know what you're asking: How the hell did these guys ever get rich when they're so dumb? But you're not thinking like a rich guy. An actual rich guy (apparently) trolls the website SeekingMillionaire.com in search of tail, since it's do damn hard for rich guys to get laid otherwise.
Instead of Condon, the men were talking with Justin Brown, who was calling from "a budget motel in Austin, Texas," the Times reported. (Note: There seems to be confusion on how to spell Bree's last name; we're going with the Times spelling.) Police found an iPhone some fan had gifted him with, along with a small dog. He's accused of bilking a Florida doctor out of $15,000. (His name can be found in the directory of Florida Doctors We Never Want To Be Treated By.)
As a public service -- because we're all about the public service when it comes to rich guys -- here are five tips on how to tell if you're talking to a guy in a cheap Austin motel room instead of a Maxim supermodel:
1. Bree Condon's sexy love nest does not feature the sound of 18-wheelers roaring down I-35.
Note: This applies only at night. During daytime hours, given Austin's traffic, the tip is that Bree Condon's sexy love nest does not feature the sound of endlessly honking horns on I-35.
2. The room that Bree Condon is calling you from probably does not have walls so thin you can hear recent UT grads in town for a game yelling "Hook `Em!" as they do beer bongs.
To be fair, we're actually not that familiar with Bree Condon's social life; maybe she does hang out with beer-bonging frat boys. It's safe to say they'd be USC fans and not Longhorn fans, though.
3. Dude: A "high-pitched voice"? Really?
This fools you? We're thinking Homer Simpson whenever he has to pretend to be a woman. Hey, it doesn't work for us, but whatever trips your trigger.
4. Bree Condon's home probably doesn't feature meth-fueled hook-ups with prostitutes.
Most cheap Austin motels do.
5. If "Bree Condon" hits you up for tickets to Esther's Follies or says she needs dinner from Threadgill's tonight, you might think twice.
Also, if the radio in the background is KLBJ announcing another "Van Halen Six-Pack!!!!", you may not be talking to Bree Condon.
This has been a public service announcement. For idiots.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.