FlashForward: From Awesomely Bad to Boringly Bad

Spoiler alert: I'm half-assing this one! Because for reals, if you're still watching FlashForward expecting a great show, you've got problems. But if you keep reading this blog expecting the torrent of bad TV I watch every week to drive me crazy, well, you just might be in luck.

The episode opened with Dead Black Agent's letter being delivered to Celia, the woman he'd kill according to his vision. Cue a montage of everyone going ape kaka about how the future can be changed. They usually save the cornball montages for the end of the show, so this is like crazy times you guys! Lloyd the British Guy then sends an email to his co-conspirators in the blackout that ended with a "Your message has been sent" pop-up like he's in The Net. He's playing with his kid in the hospital a bit later when Simon bursts in with melodramatic threats and bad puns (something about having his bruised ego checked in an X-ray, which I think he got from my dad). Lloyd still wants to go public with the whole "Sorry I caused the blackout, dudes," but Simon doesn't want him to, so they decide to settle the argument in the most logical way they know: Texas Hold 'Em. Wait, what?

OH YEAH: Aaron's daughter Tracy, who apparently didn't die in the war but just lost part of a leg, is sleeping on his couch and suffering from wicked PTSD. It's also apparently been two months since he had her grave exhumed, but the show chronology doesn't feel like it's advanced that much. I guess they have to catch up to April 2010, but every ep feels slippery and disconnected from the others.

Mark gets a call from Demetri, who emails him a video that's been magically enhanced to show a murder being committed in El Segundo by a guy with arm tattoos like Mark saw in his vision. Mark and his team question the woman who filmed the murder on her phone. The bad guys later kill her roommate trying to get to her, which seems pretty sloppy for an international cabal, so just to push the odds, Mark wants to set a trap using the witness in hopes of drawing the gunmen into the open and arresting them. I really want this to go badly.

It turns out that Tracy's unit was the victim of friendly fire by Jericho, a group of mercenaries meant to represent Blackwater and other private contractors. She'd seen them slaughter a village of innocents a while back, and a week after she reported the incident, she went down in the firefight with Jericho guys. She lost her right leg below the knee. Aaron tells Mark what's what and asks for help protecting Tracy.

Mark and his team set up on the witness' pet shop, and sure enough the bad guys come calling. Mark poops his pants and kills the tattooed guy, which seems counterintuitive to Mark's plan of getting information. One of the guys gets away, so the witness goes into Witness Protection, which is not the hilarious Larry the Cable Guy movie but actually a real thing, and of course that means she'll get to change her appearance and live out the vision she saw in the flashforward. So the current theory seems to be: the visions are fate, unless you feel like changing them.

Lloyd and Simon are still locked in their poker game, probably because neither of them has figured out that all the 3s they keep seeing mean they should listen to Lieutenant Riker. Simon's winning, too, so like an idiot he agrees to make the final hand winner-take-all, which is so completely stupid I couldn't believe it was filmed like it was suspenseful. Of COURSE Lloyd was gaming him! Did Simon never see Rounders, or any other movie ever made? So Lloyd wins.

It turns out that the dude from the baseball stadium who was awake in the blackout was wearing a ring, so the Feds wanna try and track the jewelry to find the guy's identity. Everything ends with a bunch of creepy ops guys, all with star tats on their arms, at some rainy base somewhere, and one of them brings a case with some rings to Ricky Jay. He complains that there should be more, then quotes Oppenheimer and shoots the soldier in the gut before walking away. Here we go again!

Seriously, this show isn't even awesomely bad, it's just boring bad. I had such fuckin' hopes for us.

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