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College football fan brawls were in postseason form at FSU-Miami this year.EXPAND
College football fan brawls were in postseason form at FSU-Miami this year.
Screen grab from YouTube

Zapruder Analysis of a Knockout Fan Brawl At FSU-Miami

For the life of me, I'll never understand the concept of fans getting into fights over sporting events, and let's be honest, there are degrees of absurdity in this behavior. It's one thing to start a brawl and risk assault charges over perceived disrespect of your professional team, standing up for millionaire athletes who likely wouldn't take a leak on you if you were on fire, but it's entirely another level of dysfunction to start a donnybrook with fans from an opposing COLLEGE team.

I mean, you're fighting, like actually trying to hurt other people, over one of two things (or both) —  either you're defending a bunch of eighteen year olds who are WAY more concerned with getting laid and playing ball than they are with what YOU think of them, OR you're defending a school that likely overcharged you by about 500 percent for your college degree.

Either way, if you fight at a sporting event, you're a loser. However, I'm glad you exist, because there are days that are light on content, so thank you to the group of pudgy, pasty Florida State and Miami fans that threw hands at this past weekend's edition of that annual rivalry, a 28-27 Hurricane win on the field, and a TKO of some poor Seminole fan off of it.

The video is here, and the Zapruder analysis is below. Let's get to the tape....

Ok, let's break this down, and I am going to assume that anybody in maroon is with Florida State, and anybody in some shade of green is with Miami. Here we go....

0:00 — The film begins with a maroon clad man already down and being attended to by a gal in a cutoff shirt and cutoff shorts. The ratio of clothes that qualify as "cut off" is much higher in the state of Florida than anywhere else. This goes for football games and society, in general. Maroon guy on the ground has a green shirted, fat, bald dude raining blows on him. This is one of about a half dozen separate fights going on.

0:04 — A second singles bout slides toward the screen with an FSU fan decked out in the black-with-maroon-shoes getup is tangling with a shorter Hurricane fan, and shorty is a victim of his alligator arm reach at the moment. Hawaiian shirt guy is trying to break up the fight, but because he is Hawaiian and inherently calm, he is not creating the required urgency. (We learned from Deshaun Watson that Hawaiians are calm people after he said as much about Ka'imi Fairbairn and his game winning field goal against the Colts.)

0:05 — Now, the guy to watch in the black shirt vs short arm Hurricane fight is the second Seminole fan, decked out in the traditional maroon. He catches a stray fist from gator-arms and he tumbles to the ground. Dude is OUT, and he's gonna be in concussion protocol longer than Kevin Johnson. He literally spends the rest of the video like he's dead in the background. It's very distracting.

0:07 — At this point, fat, bald guy pounces on the FSU guy who is now doubling as a corpse, and thankfully security steps in with a rear chokehold. Gator-armed Hurricane fan decides, for some reason, that with roughly 20 people filming this whole melee, that it would be a good idea to flip toss the security guy onto the concrete floor while he's trying to disengage a 300 pound man from killing an already dead person a second time. I hope that Cane fans short gator-arms will be able to reach into his wallet, because once he's identified, he will be paying a hefty fine.

0:12 — In comes another Seminole fan in a maroon T-shirt to waylay that wussy gator-arm guy. Good for Seminole fan! However, bad for both of them as they spill onto the concrete floor. I'm sorry, I know the adrenaline is rushing, but that HAS to hurt.

0:17 — With a possibly dead Seminole fan, who nobody is attending to, by the way, as a backdrop, bald Cane fan and security guard are engaged in some old school catch-as-catch-can rasslin'. It's a regular Lou Thesz versus Frank Gotch stretch-fest, Mean Gene! SECURITY GUY VERSUS BALD CAN GUY WOULD BE A MAIN EVENT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY, JESS!

0:20 — We pan to the left, where gator-arms and the "save the day" Seminole guy are in a tussle of their own, and some chick is trying to pry them apart, while some gutless Seminole fan decided it would be fun to poke random punches into a human entanglement of limbs. Very brave.

0:27 — As some woman screams in the background like it's a terrorist attack, the dead Seminole fan still lays on the concrete with zero attention. It's like he is invisible. I keep waiting for him to sit up like the Undertaker.

0:34 — The person filming this was clearly getting a little too close to the action, as we get about eight seconds of shoes, garbage, and the concrete floor. I'm sorry, but this cameraman will never advance beyond "random college football fan fights" if he can't stay on the action. I mean, this is like someone filming Hurricane Harvey and all we are getting are shots of puddles on the ground. Get it in gear, man!!

0:37 — We go back to the carnage where we see a Seminole fan on hands and knees, and people finally at least LOOKING at the dead Seminole fan on the ground.

0:40 — For you perverts wondering where the hot chicks are, well here is your gratuitous "running boob" shot, as about four or five girls scurry out of the area, closing up the cameras on their phones and getting out of there as fast as they can. This is the tell that the cops are probably arriving off camera to the right.

And, as always, once the cops show up, the party is over. If anyone out there has an update on the funeral arrangements for that Seminole fan on the ground, please let me know. Judging by the urgency of the non-concussed people in this video, I think there's a 50/50 chance he is still laying there in the concourse at the stadium.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 to 6 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast and like him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/SeanTPendergast.

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