Television fascinates me. It seems like a new station pops up onto my channel grid every day to the point where I'm actually a little disappointed I haven't been approached by anyone to televise the Sean Network. I mean, doesn't everyone have their own network these days?
(Admittedly, the content would be equal parts disturbing and boring on the Sean Network. I know this.)
At any rate, with more channels you would think that content would be diluted and repetitive, but the opposite has happened. There are more great shows than ever, and season premiere week is constant must-see TV.
So in honor of season premiere storylines in a halcyon era for television, here are this week's best bets:
X-Factor WEST VIRGINIA +5 1/2 over LSU We've seen so many creative, innovative ideas executed over the last decade on television that when we see blatant copycatting, it is a little depressing. When we see copycatting within the same network, though, it's actually kind of funny. Perhaps you got to see Simon Cowell's new program X Factor on Fox. It's basically the same as Cowell's previous gig American Idol only with a more extravagant stage, and contestants that seem to cry a lot more than Idol contestants.
It's like Idol meets Intervention. It even reunites Cowell with Paula Abdul (who provided the highlight of the season so far by literally vomiting at the sight of a man's penis, that happened) and has a black dude that looks almost exactly like Randy Jackson (It's like watching the fake Undertaker in WWE.)
And the frightening thing is that this show WILL succeed. It's almost like Fox is franchising out Idol or more to the point they're franchising Cowell, to where he made Idol a juggernaut, left it a juggernaut, and moved on to the next one. Well, Dana Holgorsen is college football's Simon Cowell. He went to Houston and Oklahoma State and left both places with pinball-machine offenses and now he's doing the same as the head coach at West Virginia. The pinball machine better be working on full tilt this weekend in Morgantown.
Community WISCONSIN -49 1/2 over South Dakota The underrated acquisition of an already established actor this television season was Community picking up Michael Kenneth Williams, who played the transcendent Omar Little on The Wire, to play the role of a professor. It's a can't-miss pick-up, much like Wisconsin picking up quarterback Russell Wilson from NC State, and much like picking Wisconsin against any cupcake while laying almost 50 points. Cha-Ching!
The Office Steelers -10 1/2 over COLTS Poor Indianapolis Colts fan. They're getting a sneak preview of what life after Peyton Manning is going to feel like. (Strangely enough, it's a very familiar feeling. It's a lot like life before Peyton Manning.) NOT good times. Rarely are the fortunes of one franchise tied to one guy like they are with he Colts. If you saw the season premiere of The Office, well then you know how Colts fans feel. The leadership vacuum left behind by Michael Scott is positively Peyton-esque.
Grey's Anatomy Chiefs +14 1/2 over CHARGERS To be clear, I don't watch Grey's Anatomy at all. I do happen to walk through the living room sometimes while it is on television (Translation: Amy watches it.). I did happen to see the first five minutes of the season last night where a huge crater practically swallowed up an entire city block causing blood, death and carnage everywhere. I think somewhere in that crater, if you look hard enough, you'd have found Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry. Bad times for the Chiefs.
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Law and Order: SVU BENGALS -3 over 49ers I think I speak for all males with a bit of a MILF fetish when I say it's great to have Mariska Hargitay back on our TV screens. And as for the long, cascading hairdo? YES. Emphatic YES. Crime has never been so sexy! I also think I speak for sports fans everywhere when I tell the Bengals that if they ever go a whole two months between transgressions again (Ced Benson's pulverizing his roommate's face this summer then going a couple months until Jerome Simpson decided to have a couple pounds of marijuana Fed-Exed to his house!), then I'm burning my Pac Man Jones jersey.
Dancing With The Stars EAGLES -9 over Giants At the exact same time on television on Monday, we saw Mike Tyson being cheered wildly on the Charlie Sheen roast and Ron Artest gleefully stumbling his way through Dancing With The Stars. At one time, these were both guys who would have been fantastic value picks in a death pool. Not to mention they were both universally feared and hated. Now, they're both seen as downright cuddly. So in a redemption play, we will go with Tyson's and Artest's now beloved formerly (possibly still) sociopathic brother, Mike Vick.
Last week: 4-2 Season record: 10-8
Listen to Sean Pendergast on Yahoo! Sports Radio and 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.