Tomorrow is May Day. It doesn't mean a lot in the U.S., but in many nations it's their version of Labor Day.
Back in the day, when there was such a thing as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, May Day was a big, big deal. Soviet leaders would stand on a huge stage as mighty missiles, demonstrating the USSR's supposed "missile gap" over the USA, would parade by. Kremlinologists would pore over pictures to see who was standing where on the stand and what that meant about the Soviet hierarchy.
The USSR is no more, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't notice the day. So let's rate the nine leaders of the Soviet Union, based completely on their hotness. (If we agreed with hardliners -- or Mitt Romney's advisers, who believe there's still a Soviet Union and a Czechoslovakia -- the shirtless judo expert Vladimir Putin would be number one.)