For Spring Break: The 10 Weirdest Condom-Related Items on Etsy & eBay

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

Spring Break is on the horizon, beginning for some people this weekend.

College kids will head to spots in Texas or Florida, cram themselves into motel rooms, hope they don't get so drunk they pass out and wake up with their faces transformed into a piece of Sharpie art, and just have fun.

Which means sex. Which means condoms, good Lord.

As a public service, we searched eBay and Etsy for condom-related stuff, and luckily our search was rewarded with these ten gems:

10. The least intimidating Viking ever. Look, getting laid for the first time can be nerve-wracking, what with all the worrying about whether you're doing it right or not. But we don't think anyone looks as frightened and shaken at the thought of sex as this Viking. Don't let him throw you off your game, whatever you do.

9. Your basic knitted condoms. Wait, are those thighs, or fingerprint-less fingers? Because, you know, that could make a big difference in how the night will go.

8. The best baby hat ever. It is, officially, Timmy the Broken Condom. And you can choose what color Band-Aid you want! (See it, next to the reservoir tip?) Kids love it!

7. Droll. Very droll. You'll be the life of the party when you pull out this gag-ariffic laff riot!! We can't pretend to understand the whole "Frigid Midgets with Rigid Digits" concept, but maybe you need a small dick to get it.

6. Earrings. Those are pictures on cork earrings, if you're wondering. Says the seller, " If you prefer your earrings to be studs, then please add a note for me when you purchase any of my earrings." Laaaayyyyy-deeee, it ain't the earrings they're preferring to be studs.

5. "Patrick the Policeman" condom. Theis so-called "Condom Cutie" can serve as one last-ditch warning if you're not quite sure that "Ohio State sophomore" is 16 or not.

4. A condom tin. When you're reaching for protection, nothing keeps you in the mood better than being reminded of half-starved oppressed natives all but slaving so you can have sex without fearing the giant hassle of taking this girl to the abortion clinic if you can't lose her.

3. Another rubber tin. Cocks are for peeing, y'hear me, son!?!?!?! If ye are so much as thinking of sticking yer John Thomas in yonder ladyparts, I'll cut it off for ye quicker 'n' ye can say, "Me dick's gone!!!" (Another tin to put you in the sexual mood.)

2. Pillow Talk We're telling you, nothing guarantees you scoring like bringing a bright young woman into your bedroom and showing her your condom pillow. If that doesn't scream "class," we don't know what does!

1. A condom mold. A glass condom mold, to be exact. It seems they're kinda cheating by shining a light on the coin that's there to provide perspective. Is it a big ol' quarter, or a tiny nickel trying to make the rubber look larger? Because we're only shopping in the quarter aisle, if you get our drift, and we don't want to have to return anything.

Follow Houston Press on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews or @HoustonPress.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.