For Texas A&M: A Guide to the SEC

Earthshaking news that you might have missed if you're not a sports fan: Texas A&M is leaving the Big 12 to go to the Southeastern Conference.

If you're not a sports fan, perhaps your earth has remained unshaken, but it's a monster step for the Aggies.

To help them with the transition, here's an introductory guide to the teams of the SEC.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: This deals only with football matters because no one in the SEC gives a shit about basketball except Kentucky. So you'll fit right into the SEC basketball vibe, which when your team is going really, really well you momentarily pretend to give a flip about it. But if it comes down to clicking on a headline about a) a thrilling win by the basketball team, or b) a mostly info-free recruiting update about an offensive tackle, you're hitting the latter one first every time.)

1. Alabama
You will never beat Alabama while Nick Saban is there. It's just an impossibility you will have to accept. Only possible way: If -- and this is admittedly a longshot -- Bama engages in some questionable recruiting practices and -- even longer shot -- the NCAA actually does something about it.

2. Arkansas
Aggie fans are familiar with the Razorbacks from the old Southwestern Conference days. Pleasant, bucolic memories of trips to Fayette Nam still excite hopes of one day going back there again to experience the magic. And now that dream has come true!!

3. Auburn
In terms of the state of Alabama, Auburn is the Texas A&M to Bama's UT. So maybe your annual get-together could be called the Afterthought Bowl. Or maybe the In The Shadows Bowl. Your choice.

4. LSU
You think Kyle Field is an intimidating place to play? Just because you walk around with swords and have yell leaders dressed like a TDCJ work crew? The drunken, screaming fans at a Tiger Stadium night game laugh at your delusion.

5. Mississippi State
Much like you, the Bulldogs are still trying to recover from a Jackie Sherrill Era. And Starkville contains are the culture and excitement of College Station.

6. Ole Miss
A team that revels in racist Confederate imagery, Ole Miss and its fans have nothing in common with the open, enlightened, multicultural-embracing fan base of Texas A&M.

1. Florida
Another intimidating place to play, another school with a somewhat lax attitude towards recruiting and discipline. We can't wait for the Jorts Invasion of College Station.

2. Georgia
Perennially overrated, the big bonus of joining the SEC is that when you beat the Bulldogs everyone acts impressed, for some reason. You should hope they do well this season, though, so they will retain head coach Mark Richt and the mediocrity can continue.

3. Kentucky

4. South Carolina
Please, please realize: All the "Gamecock" jokes have been made. Your banners and tailgate repartee will not be as blindingly amusant as you think.

5. Tennessee
The new UT in your life. Believe it or not, the orange is even more unpalatable, and the fan base has just as high an opinion of itself and the program as the UT you've been dealing with. Be prepared to hear "Rocky Top" more times in one game than you have ever heard it in your life.

6. Vanderbilt
You should think of Vandy as an SEC Iowa State, with a higher player GPA.

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