Forget Reagan's Blood: 5 Other Presidential Fluids That Should Be Auctioned

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

A European auction company says it plans to sell a vial of Ronald Reagan's blood, taken on the day of his attempted assassination.

While any number of Republicans might like to own the fetishistic object in order to aid their rituals which banish from memory all the things Reagan did that meant he couldn't win a GOP primary today, we think it's a little weird.

But if Presidential body fluids are going to be a marketable thing, why stop at blood?

These five items should also be available for purchase.

5. Andrew Jackson's saliva Jackson was a courier in the Revolutionary War and became the only president to have ever been a prisoner of war. During his captivity, a (suitably pompous, we assume) British general told him to spit-shine his boots.

Jackson told him no in a very colorful way, and ended up with lifelong scars on his arms and face.

4. William Henry Harrison's phlegm The hero of Tippecanoe was elected president in 1840, and Inauguration Day 1841 was cold and wet. Harrison went all Bowie Kuhn and didn't wear a topcoat. He also went on to deliver the longest-ever inaugural address (two hours), then appeared in the parade.

A month later, he died from pneumonia.

3. Bill Clinton's jism Hey, you knew that one was coming. So did he. Although he could have had better aim, in terms of leaving evidence. 2. George H.W. Bush's tears The elder Bush has admitted that it doesn't take much to get him to cry. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if Bush Tear-water is on the market, there's probably enough available to keep prices low.

1. FDR's piss In honor of his vice-president, John Nance Garner, who told the world the V-P job "wasn't worth a bucket of warm piss." It's usually bowdlerized as "warm spit," but who's ever seen a bucket of warm spit?

Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.