Outside looking in, despite all of the self-induced drama that comes along with him, it feels like former Houston Rocket and current Philadelphia 76er Royce White is fairly harmless (unless, of course, you're an NBA salary cap).
Perhaps the most famous (infamous?) sufferer of anxiety disorder in the sports world today, White has a daily activity list that, as best we can tell, consists predominantly of tweeting back and forth with his 371,000 Twitter followers, most of the tweets being retweets of his woefully misled fellow sufferers of anxiety disorder who see him as some sort of messiah on how to cope with the affliction.
Other than the occasional jousting with jilted Rockets fans or people who think that if you're getting paid to do something you should, y'know, do it, White's interaction is all fairly friendly and peaceful, right down to his catchphrase -- #BeWell.
Misguided? Yes, but again, harmless.
Well, that may have changed this morning when, courtesy of TMZ, news broke that White is under investigation for a domestic violence incident back in June in which he allegedly beat up his then-girlfriend, Maxim model Tania Mehra.
Here's the story:
We know ... White's ex-girlfriend Tania Mehra -- a Maxim model -- filed a police report on August 30 to report an incident that went down at Royce's Houston-area home back in June.
According to law enforcement, records show someone called 911 on June 22, 2013 to report a laceration above Tania's right eye. Cops say at the time, Tania claimed she suffered the injury from an "accidental fall."
But Tania changed her tune last week ... and filed an incident report in which she claims she LIED on the night of the incident -- and says in reality, Royce is to blame for her injury.
Cops tell TMZ, "The victim said she had lied earlier because the suspect played for the NBA and did not want the incident to damage his career."
Law enforcement also tells us, "The victim stated that White had assaulted her after she became angered by his advances toward her friend."
Cops say the incident is "under investigation" -- and so far, no charges have been filed against the 22-year-old NBA player.
Sources connected to the investigation tell us ... Tania claims Royce also grabbed a candleholder and threw at at her during the altercation ... but it missed, instead smashing into a mirror and causing it to shatter.
If you haven't clicked already, go to the TMZ story to see the pictures of Mehra's wound over her right eye and the broken mirror that was allegedly shattered by the candleholder. My thoughts on this story, in bullet-point form:
1. Okay, let's get the 800-pound gorilla in the room out of the way -- how in the blue fuck does a kook like Royce White manage to pull a Maxim model when:
a) His daily activities consist of waking up, putting on his robe, turning on his computer, tweeting for ten hours, eating fast food and going to bed. I mean, at least I surround my ten hours of robe-clad tweeting with a few hours of radio and typing stuff for you jokers.
b) He looks like some kind of despondent alien on weed. I know, I know, personal appearance, glass houses, pot, kettle, blah blah blah. But we are talking about a Maxim model, and dude is not a face man AT ALL. There, I said it.
c) It's well known that one of his favorite hobbies is impregnating his girlfriends. Royce White is a serial procreator! Apparently, this makes him dreamy to Tania Mehra.
d) Let's face it, for any vacation that she would go on with him, they would have to drive to get to the destination because of his fear of flying. So in a world where she has hundreds of guys with their own private planes falling over themselves, who would drag their nuts over shards of glass to have a drink with her, she's dating a guy for whom paradise consists of a two-hour roadie down I-10 to L'Auberge?
2. The answer to my question in the last bullet point is simple -- money.
3. However, Royce White's money was already going to run out fairly quickly once the Sixers are done paying out the second year of his rookie deal (around $1.7 million) and he's done paying multiple baby mommas, the usual bills and the tax man. I'm guessing defending himself in a domestic abuse trial won't help the balance sheet.
4. Playing "TMZ story forensics," which admittedly is a game of pure speculation, that cut above Mehra's eye looks more like it was the result of an "accidental fall" (I'm making air quotes with my hands) than an actual, y'know, accidental fall, if you know what I mean. It's amazing how many "accidental falls" wind up with a cut that is very specifically in a punch zone of the face and are shaped a lot like punch wounds.
5. Playing Twitter forensics, Tania's account appears to be a potpourri of empty-headed thoughts about grocery shopping, fake philosophical deep thoughts and shout-outs to a bunch of random "boos" and "homeys" (including an ex-teammate of Royce White!). Does she seem a little annoying? Maybe, but nobody deserves to get punched in the head.
6. The presence of the "candleholder" in this whole thing seems odd, as it means that Royce White takes a keen interest in the decor of his home. It also makes this whole sordid story the worst plot for the game of Clue EVER -- "Royce White assaulted Tania in the billiards room with a candleholder." Colonel Mustard thinks you're a fucking asshole, Royce. Terrible.
7. While Royce White has almost no chance of signing an extension with an NBA team, he did just re-up with "bad luck" for seven more years. Way to break that mirror, Royce!
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SHOW ME HOW
8. If Tania Mehra (or any of Royce White's former girlfriends, for that matter) wants to remain safe, may I suggest she sequester herself at any of the 30 arenas that house NBA basketball. ZERO chance that Royce White even shows up, much less discovers you there.
9. Back in early July, Rockets general manager Daryl Morey managed to agree to terms with Dwight Howard and unload Royce White (sent to Philadelphia with the rights to something called a Furkan Aldemir and cash, both presumably stapled to White's face with him bubble-wrapped like some UPS package) in the same 24-hour period. It was officially the greatest 24 hours of any employee of any American business so far in 2013. Now, if it was even possible, the headache Morey unloaded that day just got worse, which means that day for the Rockets retroactively got better. As always, the moral of the story is that Daryl Morey is smarter than you.
10. Bottom line, this whole thing is going to make it much tougher for Royce White to #BeWell.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.