Visual aids are the best. (You know, because sometimes words can be so cumbersome on the eyes.)
Recently, in the wake of 50 Cent's dismal effort at a first pitch before a recent New York Mets game (an effort he blamed on "excessive masturbation"), Deadspin put together a chart depicting the placement of some of the more famous first pitches in baseball history.
Hell, they even color coded the various categories of luminaries who were tossing the pitches -- purple for government officials (W was the man!), yellow for celebrities (McConaughey and Snoop Dogg, money!), green for fictional characters (costumers clearly are a hindrance), and pink for other athletes.
The athlete dots are particularly funny, since these are people who are supposed to be at least coordinated enough to toss a ball 60 feet, 6 inches.
But alas, as we've seen from John Wall, who is one of the most sublime athletes of this day and age, the ability to run fast and jump high doesn't mean you won't throw the ball like a first grade girl.
And yet, even Wall's effort went far enough to where you could reasonably represent it with a dot on Deadspin's chart...
Ok, am I reaching? Maybe. But at least Wall's toss almost hit the dirt at the front of the home plate area, right? Ok, look, I promise you after you see San Diego Charger rookie and former TCU Horned Frog Jason Verrett attempt to throw out the first pitch at a San Diego Padre game over the weekend, John Wall's attempt will feel like a 92 miles per hour fastball right down Broadway, all right?
Fast forward to the 4:05 mark of this YouTube video (unless you feel like sitting through four minutes of interviews with the Chargers top three picks in the 2014 NFL Draft, maybe you do, I didn't), and check out Verrett's chops....
Verrett's effort barely made it out of the pitcher's mound area. Quite honestly, he might have gotten more air under it if he rolled it to the catcher bowling-style. And thankfully, for Verrett's sake, the Padres asked two other rookies to throw their pitches simultaneously, distracting an easily distracted society from the sports tragedy that was Verrett's effort.
By the way, here's an abridged version of Verrett's day via the Instagram Vine-copycat feature, if you want to relive the magic without jerking around with YouTube's touchy video player...
All of this said, I am admittedly petrified of throwing a first pitch at a baseball game and pray that no professional team ever asks the station to "send someone over to the game" to do it. I think I'd go get shoulder surgery just for the hell of it so I'd have an excuse to say "No."
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