The dissolution of long-term relationships is a complicated thing. They tend to fall into two categories.
On the one side, you have the bitter breakup, after which both sides wish the interpersonal equivalent of a plague on the other party's house. Those vitriolic breakups are raw, but honest. Then on the other side, you have the cordial breakup, where both parties figuratively shake hands and wish the other party the best of luck. Roughly, 98 percent of the cordial breaker-uppers are liars.
Practically everyone privately hopes that their significant other's next slew of relationships fail miserably because we all want to cling to some idealistic notion that we were "their best" (even if, for many of us, being the best at anything is a virtual impossibility).
I say all of this to lead up to our first update on former Texan Andre Johnson, who broke up with the Texans back in March, and with whom many of you out there tried to conduct a cordial breakup when it all went down.
Well, it appears as though Andre Johnson's next relationship is going swimmingly. He is now married to the Indianapolis Colts, and the fact of the matter is the Colts have bigger boobs, nicer hair, and a better quarterback than the Houston Texans. In fact, according to Johnson, Indianapolis is like some sort of football "Field of Dreams":
"Being in one place for a long time, the past two years have been pretty frustrating," Johnson said. "Just being here is like a breath of fresh air for me."
You hear that, Texan Fan? Still wishing Dre the best of luck? Because he basically said that the football situation here was like going to bed next to a greased pig the last couple years. A greased pig named Schaubby. (I'm totally paraphrasing here.)
Speaking of quarterbacks, if Andre Johnson is campaigning for a job as a scout in his post-playing days, he needs to work on the conviction with which he assesses talent because his comparison of his current quarterback situation to the previous 12-year pu pu platter he endured here in Houston is lacking in its emphasis and verbal bold font:
"[Andrew Luck] throws a great ball," Johnson said Wednesday. "Probably the best quarterback I've ever played with. I'm excited about the opportunity. I just can't wait to continue to keep working with him and keep learning."
For clarity of comparison, here is the list of quarterbacks that threw balls to Andre Johnson during his Texans career: Matt Schaub. David Carr. Ryan Fitzpatrick. Case Keenum. Sage Rosenfels. T.J. Yates. Ryan Mallett. Jake Delhomme. Tony Banks. Tom Savage. Matt Leinart. Rex Grossman.
So, back to Andre's assessment -- probably the best?!? PROBABLY?!? Andre, if you put a blindfold, a gag ball, and strait jacket on Andrew Luck, he would still win a skills competition against all 12 of those ex-Texans combined. I don't have the same lofty expectations statistically for Andre Johnson as a Colt that some do (thinking like 65 catches), only because (unlike virtually every season here in Houston) there are numerous other weapons available to Luck in the passing game. Andre won't be force fed the ball in Indy like he was here. Also, expect Indy to be more committed to the run this year with the signing of Frank Gore.
Andre Johnson went on to openly brag some more about how hot his new BAE is. Stew on this for a minute, Houston:
"Looking forward to the opportunity," Johnson said. "It's a great group of guys. They welcomed me with open arms and guys that are very excited and that work their butts off. I'm just here finding my way and trying to fitting in."
Johnson will get two opportunities to face his former "girlfriend" next season. The Colts travel to Houston in Week 5 and the Texans come to Indianapolis in Week 15:
"I tell people all the time, I didn't come here just because we play against the Texans twice a year," Johnson said. "That wasn't a big thing. I have bigger goals than playing against the Texans."
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
Sure you do, Andre. I can't wait for the pictures of you in the club with Jim Irsay.
ICYMI Chandler Parsons signed his offer sheet in the club and went on to party with Cuban 3 days ago pic.twitter.com/az7IYcLbk4
— NBA RETWEET (@RTNBA) July 13, 2014
Why you gotta be so mean, Dre?