Fort Bend, You Could Have Had A "Patrick Swayze Elementary"

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Fort Bend is opening a new elementary, and they threw open the naming process. Three dozen suggestions came in.

Some were old school: Abraham Lincoln Elementary. Honest Abe doesn't tend to get many things named after him these days outside of Illinois.

Hillary Clinton Elementary? It would have been nice, in the heart of Tom DeLay Country, but that was pretty much a non-starter. Ditto for Barack Obama Elementary. (Fort Bend ISD is like the University of Arizona Arizona State in such matters; Obama has yet to prove he's worthy of such honors like an honorary degree or a school being named after him.)

Then there was Marvin Zindler Elementary, which also was rejected. If it had been adopted, all of Houston media would have kept Open Records Act requests on file with the district for the school's health inspections, waiting breathlessly to report the first instance of slime in the ice machine.

"River" was a big option, with River Falls, River Ranch, River Oaks (drafting off the HISD's school heat) and River Creek (located on Road Street, no doubt).

But the best one of all?

Patrick Swayze Elementary.

Think of it -- the TAKS pep rallies wouldn't involve the principal kissing a pig or sitting on a roof if test scores improved; it'd be Chippendales time.

Parents would have to give permission for their kids to take pottery classes, because things can just get too steamy.

First-graders getting a timeout would have a ready retort handy.

And you know damn well what the school's teams would be: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for your Swayze Wolverines!!!!!

It would have been magnificent.

Instead, Fort Bend chose....Heritage Rose.

"The beautiful name of "Heritage Rose" comes from the word 'Heritage' which represents the rich history of the community that has been passed down through generations," the district says. "And, the word 'Rose' comes from a pioneer who bought the Rosharon property in the early 1900s and called his estate the Rose of Sharon Garden Ranch due to the abundance of Cherokee 'Roses' that grew throughout the property."

Fine. But it ain't no Wolverines.

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