The scourge of Four Loko is turning Rice University into a depraved, body-strewn landscape where desperate students guzzle the possibly deadly drink with scant consideration of the niceties of society.
At least that's the only conclusion we can draw from an article in the Rice Thresher that says emergency medical service calls have jumped significantly on campus, at least partly due to the caffeine/alcholol fad drink that is quickly leaving the best minds of this generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix (from the Allen Ginsburg poem "Howling for Four Loko").
A member of the school's emergency medical services tells the paper he:
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attributed the increase in call volume to a variety of causes, from the larger student body to more on-campus visitors to the popularity of Four Lokos, caffeinated alcoholic beverages that received attention in the media for causing the hospitalization of multiple college students.
"A lot of our patients are due to Four Lokos," [he] said. "The FDA's probably going to ban it, which is a good idea."
Envision the carnage:
...one of the most troubling characteristics of the increase in alcohol-related calls was the fact that students were often found alone and abandoned. He stated that this development appeared only recently and that, in previous years, a patient's friends would always stay with him or her until REMS arrived. [He] said Rice's administration and college presidents have given this issue much discussion and thought.
We fully expect a PR campaign called "Barfin' Buddies: Don't Leave Your Friend Behind!"