Four Texas "Reparative Therapy" Options to Help You Get Lone Star Straight

Just because Texas Representative Celia Israel filed a bill to outlaw "reparative therapy" (the kind of therapy that "cures" homosexuality) for minors doesn't mean that the gay baby ought to be thrown out with the bathwater. There are still places in Texas where those afflicted with same-sex-sensations can be "cured." Here are a few shameful witch-doctor bastions of bigotry totally reputable reparative therapy locations to help you get Lone Star Straight.

David H. Pickup, LMFT Psychotherapist

Pickup practices "authentic" reparative therapy, as opposed to the pseudoscientific kind. It allows patients to "experience close-knit friendships with men" and "maximize their authentic heterosexuality." Skeptical? Listen, Pickup has plenty of anecdotal evidence to make you think again. His website includes this quote, from Tom in L.A: "This whole being my own man thing feels a lot better than sex with them." Well, boy howdy, if Tim can stop banging dudes, anyone can. How can you argue with such strong data?

Journey into Manhood

This "48-hour immersion in intensive emotional-healing" program, informally known as JiM, doesn't come to Texas until October, but if you're still gay by then, it might just do the trick. Here's how it works: you pay a $650 registration fee without knowing the exact location where this "intensive" program will take place -- you won't find out until six weeks before the event -- and you'll stay in "a dorm setting typically with bunk beds," usually in a campground. Dudes have a chance to participate in "'inner child' type work in whey they can have the equivalent experience of a little boy being held by an ideal dad or a circle of brothers." We have no doubt that the sure-fire way to cure same-sex attraction is to gather a bunch of gay dudes in an undisclosed campground, where they're encouraged to hold each other like babies. JiM will make you a man. JiM has your back. JiM's right behind you, pumping out all that gay.

Joel 2:25 International

This Dallas-based international ministry takes its name from an Old Testament passage: "...and the Lord sayeth unto man, 'Stop being gay, yo.' And it was good." This ministry wants you to know that if you feel "trapped by homosexuality," you are not alone. If you have any doubt that participants in Joel 2:25 are successfully managing their issues with same-sex attraction, this video from "BlakeSweet1," in which a young man in t-shirt and shorts kneels in a bed of white and lavender flowers while reading the Bible. We are totally convinced this guy is much happier now that he's taken a vow of chastity.

Faith Walk Counseling

If you're struggling with gayness, the folks at Garland's Faith Walk Counseling suggest a nice CHAT -- that's "Christian Heterosexual Affirmation Therapy." The goals of CHAT are "not simply abstinence or heterosexuality. Instead, the goals are purity and holiness." The intake form very clearly explains that, when it comes to sexual reorientation therapy, "you be aware of my stance: I view the homosexual condition as a disorder and (unlike many other mental health providers) do not provide gay affirmative treatment (to affirm or encourage the homosexual condition)." That's right -- there's no gay-coddlin' here. If you're simply looking for affirmation or to be told that you don't actually have a disorder, you'll need to find another counselor, Nancy. That's not Faith Walk's stance. This kind of counseling may not be accepted by mainstream therapists, but hopefully one day Faith Walk's stance on the issue will spread, and then everyone will be aware of Faith Walk Counseling's extremely wide stance.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow