Four Things to Live-Tweet Instead of Your Abortion

You know, we really thought we'd seen everything the interwebs have to offer ('cause, um, we're, like, all over the internets and stuff), but this week, when a woman named Angie steadily live-tweeted her medical abortion, we stood corrected.

But before your judge-y little feet leave the ground to begin the ascent of your conclusion jump, you should know a few things about Angie.

Angie Jackson, a 27-year-old single mom, uses birth control when she does the deed with her beau. When she found out she was pregnant on February 13th, she was four weeks along, and she wasn't thrilled. Because, well, BIRTH CONTROL FAIL, right? Anyway, Angie was also informed that the pregnancy would threaten her life. Yikes. So instead of signing up for the surgical procedure, Angie opted for RU-486, colloquially known as "the abortion pill." Not because she didn't want to be a mother again, mind you, but because she "wanted to stay alive" for her son, and "be his mom a lot longer." And so, she live-tweeted - in gory detail - what happened after she took the drug.

As you can imagine, Angie, claiming she wanted to convey that having an abortion is "not that bad," "not scary," and "not painful" with this stint, got a hell of a lot more flack than Social Distortion has ever gotten for masturbating with words and phrasing. We totally don't envy her.

But we're not getting all slitty-eyed on Angie. No sir. We realize we pass judgment all the time on everyone and everything, but yo, this post isn't about Angie; it's about us. In fact, we're inspired by Angie. Why didn't we think of this first? No, not the abortion thing, you right-wing zealot maggots. Live-tweeting stuff you never thought you'd ever see on Twitter, silly.

Don't worry. Even if you're not accidentally pregnant, you, too, can remove the secrecy and seriousness from something of your choosing. We've got a few suggestions for you, if your creative streak's suddenly gone dark. Pick any that apply:

Losing Your Virginity. Okay, shucks. None of us really have that to tweet about anymore. Dammit! Hey, wait a second. This is Texas. Christians, grab your communication bricks and step up to the plate on behalf of all mankind! You owe it to us to share the preserved fruits of your loins! 'Cause some of us would like to relive that drunken New Year's Eve in 1998 and the feeling of that cold, slippery condom against our trembling inner thighs, thank you very much.

Your Prostate Exam or Pap Smear. Does a man know how it feels to be propped open with a speculum like a turkey waiting to be stuffed? 'Course he doesn't. Does a woman know what it feels like to have a finger digging around in her ass like a blind mole? Not unless he misses his mark. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we oughta meet halfway on the moon and swap our stirrup stories.

The Post-Partying Defecation Ritual. Better known as "the beer shits." You know the ones. The ones that keep you in the loo for most of the morning. The ones that've got you using one hand to reach around and wipe profusely, while the other presses against your aching noggin so it won't throb right off your neck. Take your mind off the fact that you'd rather be buried between the pillows and live-tweet your agonizing bodily functions! You'll be preventative medicine for alcoholics, and defiant teenagers will challenge themselves to handle their booze better than you.

Quitting Your Job. Before you go and get yourself fired for this one, realize this only works if you are completely anonymous on Twitter, you have no location specified, and no one in your place of employ follows you. And even then, no real names! No identifying details! In the end, though, perhaps it truly is better to merely write a blog post about it instead.

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Fayza Elmostehi
Contact: Fayza Elmostehi