For hating on your babymaker so hard, the government sure is spending a lot of time down there. Just ask Planned Parenthood: There's a lot of womb-shaming here in Texas. But finally, finally, a governmental body may start meddling on behalf of our collective uterus.
Yesterday, a group of medical experts known as the Institute of Medicine recommended to the U.S. Department of Health that all health insurance plans pay for birth control pills. In full. By law.
These shockingly pro-woman (two words that have not been hyphenated in a long time) recs came after Obama asked the Institute of Medicine, which is not politically affiliated, to develop a list of health services they believe should be fully covered as preventative care under the Affordable Care Act.
If Obama accepts the recommendations, this will be big news for women. Can you imagine a world where contraception is your paid-in-full right? We know what we'd do with that extra $10-$30 a month:
5. Cristal, Now That You're Too Rich To Be Ballin' On A Budget Birth control wasn't the only covered cost proposed in the plan that would rock your womb. IOM recommended that insurers also pay for all prescription contraceptives, contraceptive counseling, annual STI counseling, HIV screening, lactation consulting, breast-feeding equipment and HPV testing.
So break open the piggy bank you've been setting aside for your eventual abortion (hey, one out of three ladies get one in their lifetime), because your odds of an unwanted pregnancy are drastically lower if the new recs are passed.
With all that money saved, you'll finally have access to really expensive shit. Pop the aphrodisiacal Cristal, because this is truly a celebratory moment for women everywhere -- one that can translate into more and safer sex.
4. STI Testing But just because parts of your ladypart are taken care of doesn't mean all of it is. Once you kiss all those co-pays goodbye, there will finally be enough money in your budget to afford labial luxuries:
-- A comprehensive test for all STIs. The rate of infection for Chlamydia, the most widespread STD in the U.S., is almost three times higher than that of men. Also scary: Women are less likely to exhibit STI symptoms than men. -- Home tests for urinary tract infections, should you forget your postcoital tinkle. -- Some yogurt to cure that pesky yeast infection.
3. Somethin' Manly Now that you pay next to nothing out of pocket for your reproductive health, bask in the dignity that has been restored to your genitals. It's an unfamiliar feeling. What is it, exactly? Is this what it feels like...to be a man?
Grab a strap-on and head to bed. Since the sexual health world has gone all role-reversal, why shouldn't you?
2. Pity Condoms Not everyone will be thrilled by your newfound reproductive rights. Sex is a choice! Why are we paying for promiscuity? The devil sprinkles birth control pills in her breakfast cereal!
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It's not even worth reasoning with these turkeys. Instead, allocate the money you would have dumped at the pharmacist's counter to a different aisle: family planning. Buy a box of condoms for your closest Republican friend, and tell him to stick that Yaz in his pipe and smoke it. When nobody's watching, you bet he and the missus will draw enough inspiration from their bratty, misguided kids to use 'em.
1. Fancifuls For Your Ladybits All these years you've been treating your procreation patch as a money-eating machine. After the pills, the STD tests and the gyno bills, it's hard to remember all the good times you had. Doesn't your babymaker deserve some luxury after being treated with such utility?
For starters, a week's worth of Vajazzle designs equals one pill pack. A six-month membership to the panty-of-the-month club? A mere three pill packs. And that Groupon you've been craving for laser hair removal = 4 pill packs.
Soon, your vagina could be reciting a whole different monologue.