For those working today, I hope you all had a very happy and safe 4th of July weekend. For those blessed with a vacation day today, I hope your happy and safe 4th of July weekend continues. This post is actually for you.
I realize that many of you took in the city's fireworks show or depending on (a) how defiant you are of the laws inside Houston city limits or (b) just how far out in the sticks you live, you may have concocted your own symphony of explosives.
However, with the holiday today, some of you may have leftover Roman candles or bottle rockets (along with leftover beer) and feel compelled to keep the party going. You know, really show England who's boss! (That'll be the last time you tax us without representation, assholes!)
Is this post my way of saying I'm all LeBroned and D-Waded and Boshed out? Maybe. I mean, yeah, wake me up when someone signs somewhere. I could blog about the Astros, but honestly, which topic do you think people want to consume more right now -- the Astros teetering back and forth above and below a 100-loss pace for the 2010 season or a slew of videos of really dimwitted people nearly killing themselves with fireworks? (Admittedly, the similarities between the two pieces of subject matter are striking.)
So this post is just a visual reminder of what can happen when the perfect storm of alcohol, patriotism, gunpowder, and sub-80 IQ's comes together. Every neighborhood has "overzealous 40-something fireworks dad" -- liquored up in a t-shirt, bathing suit and flip-flops turning his driveway into a war zone of black explosion soot circles, used wicks, and shredded firecracker paper. The kids all think he's cool.
Fact is, he's really not. Don't be that guy. Leave the fireworks to the pro's (although even that is no guarantee that it'll go well). But if you have to be that guy, exercise these simple rules....
1. If you're going to put fireworks into a container, back away quickly....No! QUICKER THAN THAT, dumb fuck....
2. Melting the faces of action figures is always a safer alternative than melting your won face....
3. Don't let your kids hold a lit Roman candle, and if you do, maybe pay attention. (The video is no longer embeddable, but trust me it's worth the click if for no other reason than to see the guilty parent giving advice to everyone about what they can do in lieu of sending their own kids to the burn unit. Because I always seek advice from someone who lets their five-year-old kid hold a baton full of lit gunpowder in their bare hands. "You can look in the paper and they have displays where they'll be shootin' off fireworks." Seriously, dude sounds like public fireworks shows were just invented this year.)
4. Did you not hear us the first time? After you light it, back the fuck away!....
(How about we make a rule -- if you have a greater than one percent chance of blowing your face off by lighting an explosive, it's probably not worth it. Cool?)
5. Don't shoot off fireworks from a sombrero, and if someone is doing it, it's not nearly as funny as you think (or as these people seem to think it is)...
6. Bottle rockets to the crotch are not funny...ok, well maybe a little funny...
7. Cars have gas inside of them and dripping near them. Fireworks have the word "fire" in them. Fire and gas don't mix so good....
8. Honestly, I can't repeat this enough...keep your goddamned face away from lit fireworks!
9. If you can somehow use fireworks to dispose of garbage AND light a bonfire, make sure you have a professional handle the implementation. (NOTE: If you find someone in a trailer park and he is sleeveless, tatted up, kinger of beer in one hand, a smoke dangling from his lips, chances are he's an "expert.")
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
10. If your dog just gave birth to a litter of puppies, go to someone else's trailer to light the fireworks. (Honestly, I think it's videos like this one that give the terrorists hope that they will eventually destroy our country, that it's really just a matter of time. "If we kill enough of them, eventually the 'fat dude with buttcrack showing and five puppies humping his leg, who doesn't even know how to light a bottle rocket' will have to defend their country. WE CAN DO THIS!"
Happy belated 4th! Bookmark this one for next year, people.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.