On Tuesday afternoon I went down to the Reliant Center to try my hand yet again at milking a goat in the Celebrity* Goat Milking Contest put on by rodeo organizers. I was in competition with various radio and television personalities from around town, like Outlaw Dave, Pepito, and Theresa from 94.5 The Buzz.
I competed last year, with passable results, which means that I could at least aim the milk from the goat into the bucket, and didn't get kicked in the head. I was sure that this year would be my year, but...
Fate had other plans at hand.
I didn't find my rhythm -- yuck -- until there was less than a minute left in my heat of contestants, and I didn't get to get my technique down beforehand since I was busy kissing the goat on the head for good luck. Plus I think the goat didn't have much milk in its teats. Maybe the goat could sense that I was nervous? At one point I was holding one of the teats like a cigarette. I must have been in Vegas too long.
This year's winner, for the fourth year in a row, was Dana Tyson from Sunny 99.1 FM, who I think raises goats in her free time at her house to build an edge against the rest of us media dorks. She always manages to wrench out what looks like almost half a gallon of the white stuff each competition. I think it's time I sicced our investigative dogs here at Hair Balls on Tyson to see if she in fact owns a goat farm.
Excuses excuses, just say you suck at milking a goat, Craig. At least you picked up some pork tamales on the way out the door.
*really, you call yourself a "celebrity"?
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The damning video: