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God Bless the Houston Astros

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I give up. If Sarah Palin can be for the

Bridge to Nowhere

before she was against it, if John McCain can be a maverick before deciding

to embrace

all things George Bush, and if Richard Justice can trash Ed Wade before demanding we apologize to Ed Wade, then I can come all out in support of the Houston Astros. And I’ll use the

Sarah Palin defense

if any of you accuse me of flip-flopping on the issue.

That’s liberal media sexist bias on your part. Never mind the facts of what I’ve written before. (And if I was really serious about this, I’d just do a Richard Justice and wipe out all of my old anti-Astros posts).

Lance Berkman is God. Ty Wigginton is Jesus. Ed Wade is George W. Bush. Drayton McLane is George H.W. Bush. Cecil Cooper is John McCain. Miguel Tejada is Sarah Palin. God bless America. God bless the Republicans. God bless the Houston Astros.

For the Houston Astros are all things great and wonderful. And it is God’s will that they are now playing over their heads. It is God’s will that Randy Wolf has remembered he has to pitch – seriously, who knew that guy was capable of not only shutting out the Cubs, but also of pitching a complete game against them? That Ty Wigginton has exceeded his career norms in every category while learning to play left field because Cecil Cooper refuses to play three outfielders at the same time. Just as Sarah Palin isn’t really an airhead moron who wants to ban books, the Houston Astros aren’t really a mediocre team. They’re a great team that just played awful baseball for four months.

Seriously, the Astros have just swept the St. Louis Cardinals and now the Chicago Cubs, winning 4-0 last night. They’ve won eight straight games, and they have moved to within 6.5 games of the wild card. Sure, they’ve only got 22 games left in the season. Sure, they’ve still got to catch not only the Brewers but the Cardinals and the Phillies, but they are now the team of destiny.

Just make sure to ignore everything that I’ve written about them this year. – John Royal

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