Google Auto-Complete Answers: Why Are My Pants...

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Randomly typing the start to questions into Google launches a whole host of weirdness that changes depending upon the searches people type into the search engine giant. Not only are they often interesting, but down right strange?

I've been sampling this phenomenon lately and doing my part to help answer the questions that are on people's minds. Today, it has to do with pants and why they are, well, you'll see.

Why are my pants on fire?

This is an excellent question, but my first response would be an additional query: If your pants are indeed on fire, should you not seek to extinguish them prior to searching for your answer online? If this is a more metaphorical question, the answer is because you're a filthy little liar. But we all knew that.

On a broader note, perhaps you are suffering from a sexually transmitted disease thereby producing a burning sensation in your pants. It could also be poison ivy or oak or some hideously disfiguring rash. Basically, unless you are a filthy little liar, I suggest you seek medical attention.

Urban Dictionary has different suggestions. Click at your own risk.

Why are my pants tighter?

Than what, exactly? The last time you wore them? Someone else's pants? Another pair of pants supposedly the same size?

Let's start with that last one first. Women have long known that a size six at one store could be like a size two at another store. It's the fashion industry's fascist little way of making us all feel inferior to the 12-year-old boys the clothes are designed for. So, chances are, if the pants you bought at, say, Target are a 36 waist and another pair of 36-inch-waisted pants at Wal-Mart are smaller, well, blame fashion.

If your pants are tighter than the last time you wore them, there are three possibilities: 1) you are fatter than the last time you wore them, 2) your pants shrunk in the wash or 3) I'll let Slow Donny explain it (forward to 1:34):

Why are my pants pockets sewn shut?

That is a really good question, Poindexter. Why are pants pockets sewn shut? I did some research because I thought the answer was either laziness on the part of factory workers in Indonesia or socialism. Turns out, it is just to make he pants look better both on the rack and when worn. You can, of course, cut the seam out and have a perfectly usable pocket or you could keep it shut so the front of your pants lay down better at which point it would be perfectly acceptable for the rest of society to refer to you as "fancy pants."

Why are my pants wet?

Listen, Sparky, if you don't know why your pants are wet and you weren't recently asleep or in a coma, I don't think I can help you with this one. Truthfully, I don't want to. Go with God, my son.

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