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Great Gonzos!

Why are people hatin' on The Nuge? If there's one thing every God-fearing man, woman, child, illegal immigrant and deer should know, it's that Ted Nugent is the ass-kickingest, rock-hardingest, arrow-shootingest axe-man who ever walked the Earth. And there is absolutely no better way for a civic leader to show respect for the sanctity of his office and for the people he governs than by having the poet who wrote "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" to rock the inaugural ball. And to those who nitpick over The Motor City Madman's alleged remarks about non-English speakers, I say this: The bone-rattling opening riff of "Stranglehold" is the International Language, my friend. No matter your dialect — whether you're a tongue-clicking Kalahari Bushman, a mealy-mouthed Cockney or a funny-talkin' Chinaman — you can all come together over these immortal words: "Wang dang/what a sweet poontang/a-shakin' my thang/as a rangadangdangin' the bell." That lyrical magic makes "I Have a Dream" look like a freakin' Mad-Lib. And as for wearing a shirt with the Confederate flag? Listen, The Nuge don't wear no tux. The Nuge don't wear no Sissy Hilfiger. If it were up to The Nuge, he'd have prowled the stage in a loincloth and moccasins still moist from the crimson lifeblood of freshly slaughtered bison. And that's the kind of guy Texans want representing them to the rest of the country. And that's why Texas has a reputation of a progressive society where education is the top priority and political integrity runs like the crystal-clear waters of Buffalo Bayou. And, most importantly, Texas has one thing that makes a light unto the nations: Cat Scratch Fever. All hail The Nuge! -- Craig Malisow

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