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Greatest American Dog: The Elimination Ceremony

“The Bachelor” has the rose ceremony. Tila Tequila’s got her keys. Tyra dramatically flips over headshots.

It’s got me thinking about CBS’s new reality show, “Greatest American Dog” which premieres July 10. I have to admit I’m getting a little nervous.

According to the show’s Web site, “Twelve extraordinary teams of dogs and owners from across the nation, from ‘pageant dogs’ to those simply trained at home, will live together and compete against each other in challenges that put the owners' ability to train their dogs to the test. Each week, the judges will eliminate one dog and their owner. The last remaining team will walk away with a $250,000 cash prize and the title of GREATEST AMERICAN DOG.”

Excuse me, did they say, “Each week, the judges will eliminate one dog and their owner”?

I don’t know about you, but I’m envisioning a pretty frightening elimination ceremony with Jarod Miller doing the hosting.

Jarod: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re down to Ezzie the Boston Terrier and Leroy the Border Collie. Ezzie, the judges felt you were very weak in your ability to catch the ball and return it with grace. Leroy, I know everyone was surprised at the way you urinated on my leg just a few minutes ago. Certainly not the behavior of America’s Greatest Dog.”

(Cue dramatic music)

Jarod: “Ezzie……..Leroy……the judges have reached their decision.”

(Increase dramatic music)

Jarod: (Deep breath)…….Leroy, the judges simply don’t think you’re cut out to be America’s Greatest Dog. It’s time to hand over your collar……and then our on-staff veterinarian will put you down.”

Teresa/Leroy’s owner: “What?! WHAT?! Oh my God. Oh my GOD! WHAT?!”

Jarod: “You heard me, Teresa. The judges have made their decision. Leroy is not ready to be America’s Greatest Dog. This is an elimination ceremony. It’s time to send him home, literally.”

Teresa: (Throwing herself on top of Leroy, sobbing): “This was not in the contract! OH MY GOD! Oh sweet Jesus!”

Jarod: “Teresa, please allow Dr. Doggy to take Leroy back into the green room. Ezzie, you’ve been given another chance at becoming America’s Greatest Dog.”

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Teresa: “Run, Leroy! RUN! Run for God’s sake, NOW!”

***

I mean, it probably won’t go down like that. But the sad thing is, with reality television the way it is these days, I wouldn’t be surprised if it did.

-- Jennifer Mathieu

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