Happy Equal Pay Day: Top Five Ways for Women to Close the Wage Gap, All by Our Damned Selves.

April 12 is Equal Pay Day, a holiday that can only be likened to Steak and a Blowjob Day on those odd years when it also falls on Opposite Day.

Yup, it's that grim. This year looks especially dismal for Texas, according to a study released by National Partnership for Women & Families. Findings show that the average Texas lady gets paid $8,043 less than the average Texan man every year. That's almost a year's worth of rent, 71 weeks of food and 2,000 gallons of gas, the study says. Even though more than a million women are the primary breadwinners for their households in our state, one third of those live below the poverty line.

So ladies, we have three choices. Wait for the Paycheck Fairness Act to be passed, which would require employers to prove pay differences exist for a legit reason, fund negotiation-skills training for women, and give teeth to discrimination laws. Wait for the year 2058, the projected date by which the pay gap will naturally close (and probably the earliest date by which the Paycheck Fairness Act will be passed). Or, you can take our advice on how to make up for wages unearned because you've got a uterus. Here are our top five ways for you to close the wage gap, all by your damn self.

1. Donate your eggs. All of them. If you're serious about closing the pay gap, it's the only way to get ahead and set men back. According to the study, mothers pay a penalty for having children, while fathers get a bonus:

Women with children are paid 2.5 percent less than women without children, while men with children experience an earnings boost of 2.1 percent over men without children.
In the name of equality, pre-emptively abort those little suckers before they even have a chance to grow inside you and claim what's yours: if not the paycheck of a man, at least that of a barren woman. It's like an Easter egg hunt, in your womb! (For an additional cash boost, write 'em off as a charitable donation. Extra points if you can guarantee your X chromosome refuses to pair with anything but a Y.)

2. Contribute to an economic disaster. No, we don't mean giving money to a disaster-ridden country. We mean help make one happen here. That means dragging your girlfriends on an election-day field trip to the voting booth and casting your ballot for the least economically savvy candidate. When your politico gets into office and botches the economy, your man's wages will fall too. Voilà! Wage gape obliterated. (Riskier DIY version: print money in your basement and inflate that economy like a Bouncy Brenda blow-up doll.)

3. Train your daughters into sons. If it's too late for you to de-womanize, do the right thing and make your daughters man up. Train your little girl early on to embrace a male-oriented career (car mechanic or bricklayer, for instance) by giving her a child-sized electrician set instead of a doll. Let's face it: working in a predominantly female profession -- teacher, secretary, wet nurse -- isn't ever going to result in the pay your daughter deserves. The one exception: stripper. Just make sure to tell her not to claim her cash tips come tax season.

4. Start your own Equal Pay Fund. Gather up your gaggle of gal pals and get to work investing in your future. Every time one of you likens an experience to Sex and the City, throw a dollar in the fund. "Omg, you're being such a Samantha right now!" equals a buck in the pot, for example. Negative reinforcement of girliness builds a stronger, more masculine, and more equitable future.

5. If you must procreate, do so outside your race. This one's for the kids. African-American women are paid 61 cents to the dollar that white men make, and Latina women are paid only 52 cents, the study shows. Interracial lovemaking could be the answer, though it'll take a few generations. Once we're all the same indistinguishable shade of exotic dark white caramelized chocolate, how will employers know who to pay more?

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Mandy Oaklander
Contact: Mandy Oaklander