Highway to a Helluva Good Time: I-69 Opens

With little fanfare, the Texas Department of Transportation has announced that some segments of U.S. 59 have been officially renamed I-69, the new NAFTA Highway.

Why the hush-hush? Is Colonel Angus going to be driving down to make a visit?

We don't know if I-69 was named by the Official Middle-School Boys Committee, the august group who gave us Uranus and Lake Titicaca, but we do know there's plenty of appropriate stuff already in place on the road.

Such as:

5. Laura Koppe Road No one seems to know much about Laura Koppe, who has a street off 59 named for her. But she appears to have been a wealthy widow, so any gigolo down on his luck might have taken the old 69 road to find a way into her, ummm, heart.

4. Porn so good it'll kill you As difficult as it may be to imagine, there is an adult bookstore near this Houston highway, making it almost unique in the annals of our town's history, if you ignore our town's history completely.

But the offerings at one unnamed bookstore on I-69 apparently deserve such an iconic address. Two years ago, a man was found in a locked booth there after being dead for hours while enjoying porn we feel sure included some 69 action.

3. Kay Jewelers Conveniently located on the former Eastex Highway near Deerbrook Mall, it's the place to go for the bling that is the toll you pay to ride I-69. 2. The Rose Garden Wedding Center Pick a religion in which you want to stereotype a bride, and then note her first words to herself after she says "I do" will be "I'm never doing that again," and your 69 connection is complete. 1. Custom-made weather-warning signs

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