Homecoming season is nigh, and in Texas that means...very, very, very large homecoming mums.
Nowhere else, it seems, do high school girls put their energy, money, ego and shamelessness into effect when it comes to what used to be a simple flower and ribbon.
Even back in the day, as in the photo on the right, you could argue things were getting out of hand. But that's nothing like today.
"Peer pressure has always existed, and today the girls want the biggest flower, the most adornments and the maximum number of streaming ribbons," says the website McAdamsFloral.com. "To accommodate the current trends, florists begin ordering flowers, a multitude of colored ribbons in various widths and textures, and press-on glitzy letters in the early summer."
Here are five prima facie examples of Texas mum madness.5.
Here's a tip -- if your mum weighs you down to the point that you're getting back pain, or it covers enough of your body that an Amish Taliban woman would feel right at home in it,it just might be a little too big
Also, at a maximum, a mum should cover just a single breast, we believe.
4. Bears have apparently replaced real flowers on these things because...because...because bears have long symbolized homecoming?
This one doesn't look so much like a mum as it does a biker chick's wedding dress.
And to be honest, those bears don't look too happy about their lot in life: "I wanted to be a companion for some sweet toddler who would tell me her secrets and make me her best pal, but instead I'm going to end up almost drowning in Mike's Hard Lemonade vomit."
3. And it's not just bears. Sparkle ponies, cuddly plush tigers -- it all says football.2.
now wear them. It's on the arm, though, so it remains a manly thing to do. Even if it still involves a teddy bear.
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SHOW ME HOW
And now, you're not even trying, people. Just make a dress out of the damn thing and be done with it.