The ancient Hebrews may have spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert while Moses chewed the fat with God, but we assume they managed to work in at least 40 winks when they weren't partying with that golden calf.
Houston attorney Kiri Martin, on the other hand, accuses her maniacal downstairs neighbor of depriving her of sleep for 42 torturous nights, making her turn to tranquilizers to drown out the dude's outbursts of "AWWW!" and "UUHHHH!," not to mention his insistence on "whistling like a songbird" whenever Martin is home. These and other shocking allegations are detailed in Martin's January 30 lawsuit seeking up to $100,000. You simply have to read this shit.
Martin says Preston Heath Davidson moved into the apartment below her unit in a Montrose fourplex in 2014 and proceeded to "target" her with the intent of depriving her "of so much sleep each and every night without cessation...that she leaves, gets injured, or dies."
Yes. You can die from sleeplessness. It is a scientific fact. But we digress.
Things got really serious, according to Martin's affidavit, on December 3, 2014, when the lawyer asked the Demon From Beneath to "stop waking us up five times a night for the last two nights or I will get a restraining order against you." But according to Martin, Davidson didn't flinch. Davidson didn't balk. He didn't kow-tow. He looked right at her -- probably as eerie Alfred Hitchcock violins shrieked -- and said "Kiri, you don't have any evidence."
But anyone who's seen awesome neighbor-or-tenant-from-hell classics like Lakeview Terrace or Pacific Heights knows that's just the tip of the iceberg. Martin lays it out: "Although seemingly acting alone, Defendant also engages in mafiosa or gang-like conduct when in proximity to Plaintiff, such as whistling like a songbird, honking his horn, and slamming doors whenever Plaintiff is home. This would otherwise occur when a gang believes they are in the proximity of a 'target.' On December 24, 2014, Defendant also yelled 'Get out!' when Plaintiff approached the parties' residential building. "
The same day, Martin alleges, Davidson "mimicked my 10-year-old daughter's giggly laugh during a giggle fit." (Dude can mimic a songbird and a giggling little girl. He's like that dude from Police Academy.)
A few days later, according to Martin, Davidson "yelled 'Great!' when Plaintiff and her daughter left the building."
But that's not all. At 1:30 a.m. on January 12, 2015, Davidson wrote that she could "hear Defendant's floor creaking as he follows me from the bedroom to living room." But that's nothing compared to the apocalypse of January 6-7, when Martin was awoken an unimaginable nine times.
The sleep deprivation has caused her to miss work, and she wants Davidson to have to pay for that. She also wants an award for intentional infliction of emotional distress.
We could not locate Davidson for comment, but we have a correspondent traipsing around Montrose right now listening for the menacing trill of humanoid songbirds.
Martin told Texas Lawyer, who brought this awesome story to our attention, that she could not comment on the pending litigation, and we don't want to disturb Martin with another request, because maybe she's finally gotten some sleep. After all, as Texas Lawyer reports, "Less than an hour after Martin filed the petition, 164th District Judge Alexandra Smoots-Hogan...signed an ex parte temporary restraining order preventing Davidson from engaging in anything that disturbs Martin's sleep at night...."
Good night, Miss Martin -- and good luck.
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