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Keep Houston Press Free
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Houston Now Has A "Dirty Dozen" Bank Robbers; Nickname Expected To Result In Arrests Soon

Bank robberies are sprouting up like bankruptcies all over the Houston area, and the FBI and Crime Stoppers has decided to do something about it -- break out the nicknames.

The two organizations officially announced today a list of the "Dirty Dozen" bank robbers in the Houston area, including "The Note Passer" and the "Point Blank Bandit."

Unfortunately, the 10 other suspects are identified only by such labels as "Female Robber" or "Black Man w/Acne" or (gasp!) their actual names.

How is that supposed to arouse the citizenry?

So, in an effort to fight crime here, we provide the following nicknames:

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"Black man w/Acne" will henceforth be known as "Zitman." He is considered armed and dangerous and you probably shoudn't make any cracks about his face.

"Female Robber" will be known as "Drunk Lindsay Lohan," because that will increase the publicity.

And "2 Males at Entry Door" will be known as "The Gay Robbers," just because they're probably so homophobic they'll give themselves up just to get out the word that they are not gay at all, man.

-- Richard Connelly

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