There's no denying it. Any way you slice it, it's been a horrible season of football here in the city of Houston.
The Texans have lost nine in a row, falling to 2-9, and they've scored as many touchdowns in the second half of games during these nine games as Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman did in the second half on Sunday night alone.
The football gods can't even give us the gift of clarity. Do I root for the Texans because they're my team, or do I root against them because...well, because they're my team (and I want the number one overall pick!)?
Hell, even the highlights around the league are conflicting -- Jacoby Jones gets tattooed going over the middle (YAY!)....by Ed Reed (BOO!). Then Ed Reed gets burned for a long touchdown (YAY!)....by Jacoby Jones (BOO!).
But one thing does clarify, and that's money.
Regardless of what side of the Texans 2013 Experience you fall on, it is undeniable that betting the opposite of them has been a huge financial boom for those who have been on that bandwagon. The team is 1-10 against the spread, with the only ATS win the 17-16 loss to Kansas City (a +7 ATS win that would have been a loss if Derrick Johnson doesn't brush up against a fallen Derek Newton as he recovered a Keenum fumble inside the Texans' five yard line on the Texans' final offensive play of the game).
Betting against the Texans week to week against the spread is one thing, but what if you had the foresight to start an open parlay before the Baltimore game and think to yourself, "You know what? I realize they're 2-0, but I really think the Texans are going to lose the next nine games in a row! Let's ching, ching, ching, CASH IN!"
For informational purposes, here are the Texans' opponents' moneylines for the nine losses the team has sustained since Week Two:
Week 3: at Baltimore -120 Week 4: vs Seattle -125 Week 5: at San Francisco -215 Week 6: vs St. Louis +360 Week 7: at Kansas City -290 Week 8: BYE Week 9: vs Indianapolis -125 Week 10: at Arizona -200 Week 11: vs Oakland +425 Week 12: vs Jacksonville +425
So if you're scoring at home, the Texans have been underdogs in six of the nine games, and monster favorites in three home games (St. Louis, Oakland, Jacksonville). Of course, all of these games were Texans losses, meaning the nine-game parlay would hit to the tune of a $100 parlay paying $222,483.
That's a pretty nice living for doing nothing except fronting $100 in Week Three and then just having zero faith in Gary Kubiak every week. Hell, even I could do that!
Hey, how about if we got really ballsy and opened a 14-game parlay after the 2-0 start, and bet game to game on a 2-14 finish (which is all of a sudden very much in play; this is a bad football team)? Well, based on my estimates for the lines on the games the remainder of the season (New England line is the actual line on that game this Sunday.), here is a progressive week-to-week look at how the payout would end up:
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SHOW ME HOW
Week 13: vs New England (-7 1/2, -350) $286,079 Week 14: at Jacksonville (+3, +140) $686,729 Week 15: at Indianapolis (-7, -330) $894,838 Week 16: vs Denver (-9, -440) $1,098,257 Week 17: at Tennessee (-4, -200) $1,647,436
So there you go. Foresight and a total lack of faith in all things Kubiak would have netted you a cool $1,647,436, or about 15 percent of Matt Schaub's 2013 salary cap number.
I knew I should have started fading the Texans early. That's on me.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.