Folks, we have reached the first bye week of the Houston Texans 2012 season. Our band of heroes will not be seeing action. Not on Thursday, Sunday or even Monday. No, they will be taking a well-deserved few days away from their usual schedules to relax and store up energy for the next few weeks of games.
Remember, the Texans will still be 6-1 this time next week. That won't change. The team will not be penalized just because they aren't playing this week. Those wins are still recorded.
Our boys have earned their respite, that much is true, but what do us common schlubs and schlubettes do while the team is on break? What did we do from January until August of this year anyway? I don't quite remember myself. It's like all those months have been lost in an ether, a dustbin of history.
How should we spend this week away from the Houston Texans? The mind spins with infinite possibility. There are books to read, movies to see, undisturbed dumps to take and significant others to finally look in the eye.
Is it okay to watch other teams play football, or does that seem heartless? What if we find ourselves accidentally cheering for another team that isn't the Texans?
Here are ways you can spend your bye week away from the Houston Texans. Remember, if you don't buy at least one piece of Texans merchandise this week, God will kill one of your family members.
Dress the neighborhood kids up as Packers and Texans players and have your own Sunday Night Football rematch. Spoiler alert: The smelly kid in the Aaron Rodgers jersey gets sacked repeatedly, and CPS officials are just as shitty as those replacement refs we had to deal with at the beginning of the year.
Have an unauthorized tailgate party at Reliant Stadium that ends with police in riot gear and mounted officers. As the HPD stormtrooper thrashes you, beg him or her not to make you bleed on your Schaub jersey.
Speaking of Reliant Park, there is a gun show going on at Reliant Center, so you could always just go stock up on ammo before the election, right? I'm sure they make Texans holsters and stuff now.
But if guns aren't your bag, you could go to the big TRISTAR sports memorabilia show that's going on, and basically all of the Texans will be there signing stuff, except Connor Barwin, who will be partying with French electro DJs somewhere probably.
Put huge, homemade Texans jerseys on bulls in a pasture off Highway 59 and charge $10 a picture -- that is, until someone gets kicked in the nuts or horrifically gored.
Write Wade Phillips and Gary Kubiak fan-fiction, set in 2389, with the pair coaching an intergalactic football team to the Galaxy Bowl on a distant planet, millions of light-years away from Earth. Then finally sign those divorce papers.
Eat and drink everything edible in our local H-E-B that has a Houston Texans logo on it or was endorsed by a Texans player. The extra time you will have in the hospital can be spent getting your fantasy team in order.
Go vegan all week -- in honor of Arian Foster -- until the next game against the Buffalo Bills, with less-than-winning results. Apparently putting ranch dressing and gravy on all your vegetables is not, in fact, vegan.
Play Madden NFL 13 with our friends all Sunday afternoon, and have imaginary press conferences in the garage after every game.
Find out that cops don't like it when you swat down speeding tickets a la J.J. Watt the hard and sad way. Hey, at least your cell at downtown has an extra pillow, and you can finally get some decent sleep.
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Scour Priceline for cheap hotels in New Orleans's French Quarter to celebratorily trash February after the Super Bowl. Even if we don't make it to the big game, that TV is going into the pool.
Get blackout drunk first thing Sunday morning on Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas, a handle of Tito's and a half-dozen sleeping pills, so we don't have to suffer the indignity of not having a Texans game to watch. Who wants to live like that? I know I don't.
Visit elderly family members and tell them how much you love them, and also ask what life was like before there was no Houston Texans.
Burn Cris Collinsworth in effigy in the parking lot of your favorite sports bar. HOLY SHIT THAT REALLY IS CRIS COLLINSWORTH! DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE!? SOMEONE FIND A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! THE SCREAMING!! MAKE HIM STOP SCREAMING!