How to Appear Knowledgeable at a Texans Gamewatch Sunday (From the Bad Advice Dept.)

You don't have to be a football fan to find yourself at a Houston Texans gamewatch party Sunday when they take on Baltimore.

Which can be a problem, because you'll be surrounded by fanatics and you don't want to look foolish.

Luckily, you can look like you know what you're talking about by just tossing around a few key phrases.

5. "I know it's a rookie quarterback, but Gary has to open it up to help the running game." The quarterback is the most important position on the field, and the Texans are playing a rookie because he wears number 13 and they feel it's lucky. The "Gary" refers to head coach Gary Cooper, named after the iconic film legend, and the thing he needs to open up to help the running game is a beer.

4. "It's going to come down to the kicking game." The "kicking game" is a fun thing players do when they're bored, mostly after a mind-numbing series of "three-and-outs." (A "three-and-out" refers to the number of sexual episodes a player has before he comes to the realization that yes, he's gay and he's not going to hide it from anyone anymore.)

The kicking game involves sneaking around and sticking a "Kick Me" sign on an unsuspecting player's back.

3. "Take the under on this one." This refers to a bet you can make called the "over/under." You bet on whether the quarterback will put his hands over or under the center's butt to take the snap. Since the Texans are using a rookie QB and the Ravens are using Joe Flacco, there's a good chance on any given play that one of them will get confused and use the "over" method, but go with the under Sunday.

2. "They're playing a cover-two." The "cover-two" is a defensive scheme where only two opposing players are "covered" and the rest are allowed to roam free and catch what are called "touchdown passes." It's used by teams like Indianapolis, St. Louis and Carolina.

1. "They need to dial up a blitz." This will make you sound like an NFL expert. In the NFL, the only way to call for a "blitz," which is a defensive play involving a shot of Jaegermeister, is to use rotary-phone technology. It can cause big problems with the playclock if the blitz you're dialing up is 9989799.

There. Now you can talk like an expert. Don't thank us.

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