4

How to Appear Knowledgeable at a Texans Gamewatch Sunday (From the Bad Advice Dept.)

^
Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

You don't have to be a football fan to find yourself at a Houston Texans gamewatch party Sunday when they take on Baltimore.

Which can be a problem, because you'll be surrounded by fanatics and you don't want to look foolish.

Luckily, you can look like you know what you're talking about by just tossing around a few key phrases.

5. "I know it's a rookie quarterback, but Gary has to open it up to help the running game." The quarterback is the most important position on the field, and the Texans are playing a rookie because he wears number 13 and they feel it's lucky. The "Gary" refers to head coach Gary Cooper, named after the iconic film legend, and the thing he needs to open up to help the running game is a beer.

4. "It's going to come down to the kicking game." The "kicking game" is a fun thing players do when they're bored, mostly after a mind-numbing series of "three-and-outs." (A "three-and-out" refers to the number of sexual episodes a player has before he comes to the realization that yes, he's gay and he's not going to hide it from anyone anymore.)

The kicking game involves sneaking around and sticking a "Kick Me" sign on an unsuspecting player's back.

3. "Take the under on this one." This refers to a bet you can make called the "over/under." You bet on whether the quarterback will put his hands over or under the center's butt to take the snap. Since the Texans are using a rookie QB and the Ravens are using Joe Flacco, there's a good chance on any given play that one of them will get confused and use the "over" method, but go with the under Sunday.

2. "They're playing a cover-two." The "cover-two" is a defensive scheme where only two opposing players are "covered" and the rest are allowed to roam free and catch what are called "touchdown passes." It's used by teams like Indianapolis, St. Louis and Carolina.

1. "They need to dial up a blitz." This will make you sound like an NFL expert. In the NFL, the only way to call for a "blitz," which is a defensive play involving a shot of Jaegermeister, is to use rotary-phone technology. It can cause big problems with the playclock if the blitz you're dialing up is 9989799.

There. Now you can talk like an expert. Don't thank us.


Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.

 

Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.