How to Trust Your Mate in the Digital Age

​Look. We couldn't miss the collective whoop of joyous philanderers worldwide when Al Gore sat down and decided to invent the Internet. Clandestine, illicit communication via password-protected inboxes on web platforms? On what dotted line can you sign your penis away, and how fast? Salacious messages sent straight to your cellular device under everyone's noses? Phone conversations be damned! Break out the condoms so you don't give your significant others venereal diseases, and go horizontally mambo already!

The wide world of the web has plenty of advice for checkin' up on your cheatin' cholo or chola. Hell, we even gave you some pointers on bustin' your fuckin'-'round fool a few moons ago. But what about "trust"? Is it possible to actually - gasp! - not worry your swollen lil' head off 'bout the twatcopters of your lover's loins in a land dominated by the isolation of text messaging, email, Facebook, and the like?

We think so. And don't worry; we've never been wrong before. We don't think. Besides, we'd never ever lead you astray. We side with Alanis; this is something you oughta know.

So whaddya need in order to award complete and utter trust to your mate?

Accessibility is key. A week after your first date - and no later - ask for his Facebook password. 'Cause if he's serious about you, he won't hesitate for a second. And if he refuses, claiming discomfort or a violation of his privacy? Psssshhhht, girl, kick his sorry ass to the curb! But if he does provide you with the data that you deserve? Assume this password applies to everything - email, Twitter, LinkedIn, his online credit and bank accounts - and use it liberally. The only way to know everything - and trust that he's doing this monogamy thing by the book - is to obtain access to absolutely everything.

Verify, verify, verify. Does she leave her phone unattended? That's your green flag! Check her text messages every chance you get. And we mean every chance you get. This is the stuff trust is made of, yo. If there's nothing to hide, she won't feel squeamish when you reach for her phone and scroll through her texts. Trust us; that's how it works. If she cringes, it's time for a new chick.

Fake it 'til you make it. Does he pass all standard cyberfidelity tests, but you're still not sold? Create a fake Facebook profile. Or a fake Twitter account. Rip a snapshot of an attractive lass from Google Images that you know he'd find jizzworthy. Then friend him, put your most seductive silkies on, and tempt away! Offer many, many sexual favors with limited to no strings attached. And see what happens. If he's tryin' to tap your ass and your ass only, your tests will prove it.

Can you do us one better? Tell us your personal online trust techniques.

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