HPD's New Uniforms: We Help Them With Some Ideas (You're Welcome)

The seasons change, we spirit away our summer digs for some fall threads and the Houston police are also mulling a change of dress. It's time for a uniform change. But they're as tight-lipped on the matter as Gucci planning its spring wear. This reticence may be related to the fact that Sergeant Stacey Soro is perhaps in the midst of an internal campaign to see police adopt a new kitty-kat dress code called, simply, "Candi."

"All I can tell you is that everything is still under consideration," said one police spokesperson. "No decision has been made, and we're not getting into specifics."

Well, if they're not getting into specifics, we will. This stuff is important. The police uniform says a lot not only about the culture of a city, but how it's doing economically. In Cambodia, police don't carry guns -- mostly because guns are expensive and that country ain't got no money. In booming Bangkok, meanwhile, cops zoom about in new age vehicles more Batmobile than squad car.

So what's the HPD going to go with?

4. Make it unnecessarily medieval like Peru does. There's a lot to be said for this route. Hell, police here already occasionally shoot unarmed people -- why not just take it one step further and really scare the hell out of the locals? Plus, black plates: surprisingly slenderizing. Still, HPD, maybe decrease the bulge at the front a wee bit if you do this. We don't want to confuse this option with...

3. Make it sexy. Wherever you are, Stacey Soro, calm down. We're not only talking to you. Houston's hot. Police could use it to show a little more skin. It's only crime-fighting -- why take things so seriously? If you got it, F-L-A-U-N-T it.

2. Nineteen-nineties style: Pacific Blue There's nothing wrong with cruising around astride a mountain bike wearing biker shorts and a white polo, right? Right? Yes, police would look like they're on staff at the River Oaks County Club, but if you wanna defeat criminals and do it in Ralph Lauren style, this is how it gets done.

1. Judge Dredd: We get it. You are the law. We are afraid This would at least sate those guys who are always begging for larger shoulder pads -- man, they won't ever shut up. It will be all cool spandex down low and luminescent masks up top.

Soro. Calm down.

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