There are plenty of opportunities on the calendar to show your significant other that you care. You have birthdays, you have anniversaries, you have Christmas (or whatever December gift-giving holiday you might celebrate).
Hell, Mother's Day is coming up this weekend! (Yes, this serves as a reminder, and also as my public service to you today. You're welcome.)
Indeed, the calendar is flush with built-in chances to say "I LOVE YOU!" But those all pale in comparison to one gesture -- iPhone-filming your douchebag husband riding his ATV!
Which brings us to this little web nugget that popped up on Monday.
Observe as a husband named "Jeffrey" (might be a boyfriend, but definitely a monogamous relationship of some sort, at least until Jeffrey turns his wife/girlfriend into a grease spot at the very end) gets his "mud puddle, freelance ATV" on
and then attempts to cash in on his wife's life insurance policy:
A few observations on this one (as opposed to a frame-by-frame Zapruder):
1. Quick cinematography note to wifey: Always, ALWAYS film in landscape mode, not in vertical mode. I feel like I'm leering through a closet door watching this video, and that, quite frankly, makes me feel a little perverted. If you're going to film something, with all due respect, show some pride in your work, madam.
2. Okay, what exactly was Jeffrey trying to accomplish in this video, and how does the conversation go prior to his stationing the wife in "prime shot" position?
JEFFREY: "Honey, stand over here and film me riding ol' Bessy through that big mud puddle over there, okay?"
WIFE: "Okay, but why are we doing this?"
JEFFREY: ....blank stare.....shrugs shoulders....
3. Was this a juvenile stunt? Maybe. I don't own an ATV, I've never ridden an ATV, I've never had the desire to ride an ATV, but just the presence of the word "terrain" in the name of the vehicle seems to imply that this is what ATV riders get off on -- riding through puddles and popping wheelies. Okay then. So maybe this whole thing was a tad ill conceived by Jeffrey. That said, unless the wife is in a wheelchair or on crutches, she had plenty of time to move out of the way. This is not on Jeffrey; this is on the lack of athleticism of Mrs. Jeffrey.
4. If Jeffrey did have her stationed there, and she is in a wheelchair or on crutches, then Jeffrey is truly evil.
5. I can't say the name "Jeffrey" without thinking of "Joffrey."
6. I can't think of "Joffrey" without thinking of this video...
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
7. And yes, I think if there were ATV's on Game of Thrones that Joffrey would have run over Sansa Stark at some point. (And honestly, I would have cheered loudly. Sansa is a terrible character.)
8. Yes, I somehow made a 20-second YouTube of a husband running over his wife on an ATV about Game of Thrones. Winter is coming.....
(h/t The Big Lead)