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Keep Houston Press Free
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I Must Know Immediately If Beyonce and Jay-Z Are Married!

Excuse me, but I must know immediately if Beyonce and Jay-Z are married.

Do you hear me, Beyonce and Jay-Z? It will be difficult, no, make that impossible, for me to conduct my life as usual without knowing definitely if you are indeed married.

I know you supposedly filed for a marriage license, and I know that a white tent was spotted on the roof of Jay-Z’s apartment building this past weekend, and I know that Gwyneth Paltrow was celebrity spotted. But that is not enough.

I cannot go on with my work week unless you tell me if you are married.

Seriously. I’ve got my taxes to finish, crap for work to accomplish, my cats need to be fed, and the fridge is in some serious need of a deep clean. But I cannot go on with my mundane living unless you fabulous celebs tell me if you got married this weekend or what.

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I’m not the only one. I heard that the United Nations has put all talks on hold and Congress is officially halting all business until you tell us if you are indeed Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z. (Or, is that Mr. and Mrs. Beyonce?) It will be complicated for morning traffic patterns to be observed and satellites may indeed fall out of the sky unless you confirm either way if you are indeed legally betrothed. Air traffic controllers will be unable to complete their controlling duties and we could be looking at some serious air traffic nightmares, and the ladies on “The View” won’t know what to say, and the dollar will probably weaken even more unless you tell us what we need to know.

JAY-Z AND BEYONCE ARE YOU MARRIED OR WHAT?!

Thank you. – Jennifer Mathieu

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

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