I Must Know Immediately If Beyonce and Jay-Z Are Married!

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Excuse me, but I must know immediately if Beyonce and Jay-Z are married.

Do you hear me, Beyonce and Jay-Z? It will be difficult, no, make that impossible, for me to conduct my life as usual without knowing definitely if you are indeed married.

I know you supposedly filed for a marriage license, and I know that a white tent was spotted on the roof of Jay-Z’s apartment building this past weekend, and I know that Gwyneth Paltrow was celebrity spotted. But that is not enough.

I cannot go on with my work week unless you tell me if you are married.

Seriously. I’ve got my taxes to finish, crap for work to accomplish, my cats need to be fed, and the fridge is in some serious need of a deep clean. But I cannot go on with my mundane living unless you fabulous celebs tell me if you got married this weekend or what.

I’m not the only one. I heard that the United Nations has put all talks on hold and Congress is officially halting all business until you tell us if you are indeed Mr. and Mrs. Jay-Z. (Or, is that Mr. and Mrs. Beyonce?) It will be complicated for morning traffic patterns to be observed and satellites may indeed fall out of the sky unless you confirm either way if you are indeed legally betrothed. Air traffic controllers will be unable to complete their controlling duties and we could be looking at some serious air traffic nightmares, and the ladies on “The View” won’t know what to say, and the dollar will probably weaken even more unless you tell us what we need to know.


Thank you. – Jennifer Mathieu

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