I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): Ask Yourself Some Questions, Pet Owners

With an annual intake in the tens of thousands, it has to be difficult for the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care to adequately note why and how each animal wound up in the shelter. But we really wish there were a way to dive deeper into these stories, because, to Hair Balls, "can't have her anymore" --in the case of Brandy -- leaves a lot to be desired.

For one thing, Brandy, a kick-ass basenji mix, is only six months old. So we wonder what could've happened in the former owner's life to prompt them to surrender a dog. Did the owner suddenly and inexplicably lose their motor skills? Or perhaps there was an acute contraction of a severe medical malady, including -- but not limited to -- early onset doucheitis? We understand things come up, but if you're thinking about buying/adopting a dog, we suggest you stop and ask yourself any of the following questions: "Am I an inveterate asshole? Will I be an inveterate asshole six months from now? Is it really a good idea to assume responsibility for a living thing when even the members of my family who aren't in prison think I'm the world's biggest flake?" We would then ask you to act accordingly. (A1004031)

Clearly, Shep's former owner didn't ask these questions, or, if so, answered them incorrectly. Because this unfathomably cute little two-year-old norfolk terrier mix is just too cool for a normal person to give up. (A1004331)

Thorn's former owner couldn't afford to keep him. Apparently, Thorn's former owner lost his job during the liquidation of Asshat & Sons, LLP, a former Halliburton subsidiary. However, this could potentially work out very well for this cool German shepherd/pit mix. How? He could wind up with someone who isn't a total prick! (A1003591)

We think this two-year-old cutie is named Tabitha because -- follow us here -- Tabitha is Stephen King's wife's name, and he wrote Pet Sematary, which involved both a dead toddler coming back to life as a vicious scalpel-wielding murderer and an older sister with a horribly gnarled spine locked away in an attic, and those are definitely two images that are always nice to think about. Plus, Herman Munster was in the movie version, and that dude rocks. Either that, or she's named Tabitha because she's a brown tabby. (A0997414)

If you adopted Biscuit, you could give him a little ball of yarn, and then you'd have a ball and a biscuit, like the White Stripes song. Then when people walk up and tell you, "Oh, what a cute little kitty," you could say, "Thanks," and then excuse yourself in order to bust out an absolutely face-melting whammy-wankin' guitar solo. Just sayin'. (A0995730)

Hair Balls once knew a very loving cat named Ms. Kitty, but that one passed away and was buried in the owner's backyard, so we're pretty sure this isn't the same one. Ms. Kitty is yet another adorable pet surrendered by its owner for vague reasons. Perhaps the former owner merely intended to go out for a cheeseburger and came back with a cat instead. We just don't know. (A0996307)

Once again, Hair Balls thanks volunteer Robyn Arouty for her time and mad photo skills. For directions to BARC, see the link up top. Also, Friends of BARC is hosting a Wags to Whiskers adoption drive September 27 from 12-4 p.m., where adoptions are half-off -- only $27.50.

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