I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): More Than A Feeling

March 10 (otherwise known as "today") is a historic date: On this day in history, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call, which we all know was to Domino's, for a large pepperoni-and-sausage deep-dish. Also on this day in 1952, Batista led a coup in Cuba, which resulted in the island becoming one of the most powerful, progressive, and affluent nations in world history.

But the greatest thing to ever happen on March 10 happened in 1947, in Toledo, Ohio, with the birth of one Donald Thomas Scholz, chief architect of one of the greatest bands in the History of Forever, a band which released one of the best debut albums of all time. For you philistines who still don't know who we're talking about, here's a hint: It starts with B and ends with OSTON. Scholz, a tireless animal rights advocate and staunch vegetarian, deserves a shout-out on his special day, and Hair Balls does not want to disappoint. Which is why we're rocking out to "Peace of Mind" right now, and devoting this week's roundup of adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care to Mr. Scholz and his timeless music.


This 8-month-old sharpei and pit mix may have a diminutive male sitcom character's name, but Webster is all female. This beauty was surrendered by her owner because the owner "wants out." Webster's former wanted "out" of dog-ownership because he wanted to get "into" the following: A gigantic bag of douche; a rest stop gloryhole; a Nickelback cover band; NAMBLA. But cheer up, Webster. Mr. Tom Scholz has some soothing words for you, words for you to mull over while you wait for some kick-ass dude or dudette to come adopt you: Don't look back / A new day is breaking/ it's been too long since I felt this way / I don't mind where I get taken / the road is callin' / today is the day.

DUKE - A1015028

We wonder if the former owner of this adorable seven-month-old German shepherd is from the same murky gene pool as Webster's ex-owner, because Duke's former master surrendered him due to the fact that he already too many dogs. Which leads us to this week's Math Lesson For Morons: if you have one dog and you get another, you now have two dogs. And if you get yet another dog, neither of the other dogs automatically disappear -- you now have three dogs. And if you get one dog after that, and none of the others are abducted by aliens or move off to college, then you will have four dogs. But if you then get a hamster, it doesn't mean you have five dogs, it just means you have a fucking hamster. Pretty fascinating, no? Mr. Scholz, will you please calm us down with some righteous rock poetry? Gonna sail away / sun lights another day / freedom on my mind / carry me away for the last time.

PETIE - A105104

Soak in the beauty of this magnificent two-year-old stray Australian shepherd mix. Seriously, Petie looks like royalty. Who wouldn't want to show this dude off at the park? We know T. Scholz would definitely take this guy to the park, along with his guitar, and he'd blow everyone away with a little something he likes to call "Something About You": There was something about you /I want you to know / it brought a change over me / it's startin' to show / I've got this feelin' inside / Gotta have ya, have ya, ain't no good to hide.

PRISSY - A1015614

This gorgeous 2-year-old chihuaha mix was also a stray. When ol' Scholzie first saw her sad eyes, he dropped to his knees and belted out the following: Let me take you home tonight / mama, now it's alright / let me take you home tonight / I'll show you sweet delight. (He actually repeated it a few times, and changed keys at the end).

KELSEY - A1015467

This gal's another awesome chihuaha mix. In her one year of existence, she had the unfortunate luck to belong to an asshole who surrendered her without any explanation. When Herr Scholz swooped by BARC on that freaky guitar spaceship Boston uses to cruise the galaxy and kick interstellar rock ass, he called down to Kelsey with the following words: We're ready now / catchin' a wave to ride on / steady now / headin' where we decide on!

GIO - A1016062

How can you look at this 2-year-old little neutered dude and not want to cuddle him like some kind of maniac? This stray fellow needs some love. And as much as we'd like D.T. Scholz to do all the work for us, as he usually does, sometimes the guy needs to relax in the kitchen with a little weed: Smokin', smokin' / We're cookin' tonight / Just keep on tokin'.

MISSY - A1017660

This year-old was a stray as well, and it's hard to believe she wasn't snatched up in two seconds. Seriously -- look at those eyes! When we asked Dr. Scholz Foot Powder about her, he paused, stared pensively into the distance, and finally said in a wistful manner: So many felines have come and gone / their faces fade as the years go by / yet I still recall as I wander on / as clear as the sun in the summer sky -- it's more than a feeling. 

Thanks as always to photographer Robyn Arouty, who is to the camera what Boston is to sweet, sweet melodic rock. And remember, PetSmart gift cards are still available for a limited amount of BARC critters featured in any of these columns! Get to it!

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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow