Hair Balls was talking the other day with an acquaintance who has incredible luck with the ladies. Scratch that -- it's not luck, really, because "luck" suggests that a dude who looks like Quasimodo could get lucky some day and hook up with Heidi Klum.
No, this dude's situation is based more on confidence, swagger, charm, and soul. And for some reason we found ourselves thinking that, if he were a song, he'd be "Let's Get it On," by Marvin Gaye. It was simply the best way to describe this dude's magic, and really, no other song could capture his essence.
But our next thought scared us a bit, because we were forced to think about what song we'd be, and we were afraid it might be something by Peter Frampton. But we decided to try this with the latest batch of cuddly critters from the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care, with varying degrees of success. Please send your suggestions!
Cindy: "Don't Leave Me On My Own," Chris Isaak
Unfortunately, it's much easier to find sad songs to fit these hairy dudes and dudettes, and Cindy is no exception. As is the case with too many BARC residents, Cindy's former owner was a big ol' jerk who gave up this beautiful, one-year-old labrador retriever/chow chow mix because he/she moved. We just wonder if all these dickheads wind up in the same pet-restricted apartment complex or something. The Courts at Douchebag Place, perhaps? Nevertheless, Isaak's forlorn crooning totally captures Cindy's pleading eyes: I've been thinking a lot about you/I'm so lonely here without you/Please don't leave me on my own/I was hoping that you would write me/Or come and see me/Or just invite me/Please don't leave me on my own. Someone get us a tissue, please. A1010049
Jacob: "'Cause Cheap is How I Feel," Cowboy Junkies
OK -- dude's beautiful. Four years old. Norfolk terrier. Get this: owner gives him up because the dog is too expensive. Well, that will happen if you don't spend $10/month on heartworm pills and your little guy winds up high-positive. For some reason, we're guessing this whole ordeal makes Jacob feel pretty low. If he were set to music, he'd echo the words from this Canadian joyfest's downer among downers: I think I'll find a pair of eyes tonight/To fall into/And maybe strike a deal/Your body for my soul/Fair swap/'Cause cheap is how I feel. A1009639
Odie: "Stupid Jerk," The Muffs
You don't need more than a 31-second blast with the words You're a stupid jerk/II can't take it anymore/ Your face makes me want to puke! to describe Odie's predicament. This adorable, aprpoximately one-year-old neutered schnauzer mix was surrendered by his former owner, who we believe to be the titular jerk in question. Immature? Perhaps. Accurate? Definitely. A0988506
Benson: "I Just Wasn't Made For These Times," Beach Boys
A couple decades ago, before pit bulls became the choice victim for trailer-trash thugs compensating for small dicks and even smaller brains, pits might not have languished in shelters like they do today. These dogs used to be national heroes. But perhaps those were simpler times -- the days before the government invented AIDS and when Eddie Murphy was actually funny. Now, stray pits, like one-year-old Benson, are virtually doomed. Sometimes I feel very sad/Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into/I guess I just wasn't made for these times. You said it, Benson -- uh, Brian. A1009550
Johnny: "Johnny's Gonna Die," The Replacements
Technically, this song is a terrible fit for this uber-cute little dude, since it's about a drug-addled wannabe rock star. But the second we saw this one-month old who was surrendered by his owner (who apparently had to move to The Courts at Douchebag Place), that song popped in our head. The lyrics don't even matter here. What matters is the song title. Because, as morbid as it sounds, within the next 90 days, this cat is likely going to die. A1009747
SPECIAL NOTE: 'Tis the season of giving, so can you help the good volunteers at BARC out with some badly needed food and supplies? They are in dire, immediate need of cardboard box lids to be used as litterboxes. (Isn't it awesome that BARC doesn't have room in its budget for a place for cats to shit? Hooray!)
Also needed are:
Advantage or Capstar flea and tick medicine
Canned dog/cat food
Leashes and collars
Nail grooming equipment
And thanks again to our wonderful shutterbug, Robyn Arouty. ALSO: PetSmart gift cards are still available for the first 6 folks to adopt any of this week's -- or any other week's -- critters.
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