Hair Balls was cleaning out our closet the other day and, right there next to our old Little League uniform and a fossilized finger-bone of Jimmy Hoffa, was a stack of old Mad Libs books. It unleashed a flood of memories -- staying up past bedtime with friends, laughing like fools as we conjured up absurd adjectives and naughty nouns. And that was only last month! In this day and age, where the kids have their Coleco Playtendos and Intertubes, Mad Libs seem like antiques; relics of a bygone era. A simpler time, if you will. And being simple ourselves, we'd like to celebrate by making this our Mad Lib edition of awesomely adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care.
This adorable 2-month-old dalmation mix was surrendered by her owner, because her owner is a [adjective] [noun] who likes to [verb] [plural noun] and smells like a [type of animal]. Once, her owner went to the doctor because of a rash on her [body part] and a [type of liquid] coming out of her [part of the body]. "I'm sorry, [woman's name]," the doctor said. "You have a bad case of chronic [type of insect]-itis."
This lovely gal is a stray, spayed, 2-year-old pit bull. Some people think pit bulls are inherently dangerous, but those people are [adjective] [nouns] who have their [part of the body] shoved up their [part of the body].
This stray 8-month old poodle mix would be the perfect dog for a woman, or maybe guys who like to drink [type of fruity alcoholic beverage with tiny umbrella stirrers] while listening to [name of a Cher song]. Actually, it doesn't matter who adopts Peanut, as long as he goes to a wonderful home.
BABY GIRL A1013700
Look at how freakin' cute this 18-month-old miniature pinscher is. Baby Girl's owner surrendered her because she had to move. We heard the owner moved to the [adjective] land of [type of animal]-ville, where all the people are [type of glandular disorder resulting in morbid obesity] and like to eat their own [function of the body].
This beautiful 8-month old spayed calico was also surrendered by her owner. The owner listed the reason as "too many," but it might also be because her owner was a total [apparatus used for vaginal irrigation]. However, we think Persia might be a magical cat, because she is able to [verb], [verb] and [verb] -- while chewing gum. (She also graduated from [Ivy League university]).
Get this: Someone adopted this precious 2-year-old spayed tabbie, but then returned her because he was allergic. The thought process behind this turn of events is absolutely staggering. The only explanation is that the guy who returned her is a complete [synonym for "fucking moron"].
Check out how cool this 17-month-old neutered stray dude is. His hobbies include [verb ending in -ing] and watching [name of Mexican soap opera starring Erik Estrada]. He likes to eat [type of food] and can drink a whole six-pack of Pearl in [number] minutes. This guy will be your new best friend.
ARI GOLD A1008195
This stray neutered 3-year-old is unusual in that he has a last name. And he's not just any average "Gold," but Ari Gold of the royal [European country] Golds. Ari's great-great-great-grandfather invented the [piece of maritime navigational equipment] and left a fortune for his descendants. The Golds used this money for philanthropic causes, building orphanages for homeless kittens and contributing for the cure of [type of disease]. Of course, the Golds liked to have their fun as well -- they liked to bet on [type of animal] races and often patronized [name of a Las Vegas brothel]. We're not sure how Ari wound up on the street, but he most certainly belongs in your home -- and your heart. (And yes, we know that's cheesy. Suck it).
Remember -- we still have PetSmart gift certificates for the first six folks to adopt any of the kick-ass critters featured in any of these Hair Balls columns. So hop to it! And as usual, thanks to our [awesome] and [amazingly] [talented] photographer, Robyn Arouty, for pics that really come to life.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.