I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): Valentine's Day Personals

Valentine's Day is swiftly approaching, and love is in the air. Or maybe that's just pollen. Whatever it is, it's making us a bit woozy in the head, if not the heart. Plus, we're a bit anxious, what with hoping our mail-order bride gets here by the 14th. (We paid the extra $15 for express delivery, but still, Transylvania is extremely far away.) We scoured the best bridal sites, as well as the regular dating sites, like www.womenbehindbars.com, before we found our true love. And along the way, we came across some matchmaking sites for animals. We thought we'd share some of those profiles with you. If you want to hook up with any of these critters, contact the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care.

SIDNEY  A1014348 I'm looking for a LTR with an owner who can appreciate what a two-year old fox terrier mix (and a Virgo) has to offer. I enjoy the outdoors, peeing on things, and sudoku. I've been a stray forever, so I'm just looking to settle down with that special someone. Is that you?


KEITH  A1014434 People say my best feature is my ears, but I'm a bit self-conscious about them. They're awfully big for a German shepherd, but they can come in handy. I can hear a can of Alpo being opened from a quarter-mile away. I'm a two-year-old stray, and now I'm ready for a meaningful relationship. I hope you are too.

JESSICA  A1012445 One-year-young spayed labrador retriever mix gal here. I'm looking for a motivated owner with a good head on his or her shoulders. I was a stray, which meant I kept busy, and I still am -- I'm just looking for someone to talk to and share things with at the end of a long day. I can be a "girly" dog, in that I liked to get dressed up for a nice dinner and dancing, but I'm just as comfortable shooting pool with the guys. I've had my heart broken before, so I want to take things slow. I don't jump into anyone's lap on the first date.

REECE  A1012383What up, beyatches?! Reece in the hizzy. Two-year-old doberman-dogue de bordeaux mix -- that's right, I'm like a fine wine. And just because I was a stray don't mean I will stray, nomsayn? Besides, I'm neutered anyway. That's right, The Man took Reece's pieces -- HEY-OH! I'm gonna be straight with you, though: I'm low heartworm-positive. I hope that don't spoil the mood. I'm gonna tell you like Otis: I'm advertising love for free, so come place your ad with me.

AMERICA   A1011190 Three-year-old gal here, putting my heart on the line once again. My owner gave me up because he had to move. He did the whole "It's not you, it's me" thing, even though I could smell another cat on him whenever he came home from working late. Once, I found a Fancy Feast Sliced Beef & Giblets in Gravy wrapper in his pocket; my flavor is Savory Salmon.  I don't know what more he could've wanted from me. I'm not one to brag, but I think I'm dang cute, I have great taste in music, and master's degrees from Rice don't exactly grow on trees, you know? Well, I didn't mean to rant or come across as bitter. I just want you to know that I have a lot to offer, and I won't settle for another lousy owner!

TAYLOR   A1013340 Free spirited tabby here. The stray lifestyle let me explore the world and helped me find my chi. I'm not your typical 9-to-5 cat. I can't be confined to a cubicle. As a Zen-buddhist-wiccan-shinto-druid, I'm a year-and-a-half-old student of the world, a cat of many cultures and tastes. I contain multitudes. I'm looking for an owner who will accompany me on my journey. And also an owner with lots of weed.

PENELOPE  A1012802 You might be wondering why, in my profile pic, I'm hiding behind a bunch of boxes. My therapist says it has to do with the fact that I was a stray, then taken in by someone, then surrendered by that someone. He says I have "trust issues," and that I'm only truly comfortable around inanimate cardboard objects. After a year of life, though, I have really been able to work on my self-destructive coping mechanisms. Thanks to cognative therapy, I no longer bark. I know what you're thinking -- "another crazy chick," right? Well, you'd be a little crazy if you've been through what I've been through. In fact, if you're a bit blue, I'm sure we can help each other. I don't know if you know this or not, but when you just sit yourself down and pet a cat, the rest of the world and its troubles just fade away. It's a great feeling. I'm telling you -- you need to try it.

Thanks as always to Robyn Arouty, whose wonderful photos are like a real Valentine's treat! And remember, PetSmart gift certificates are still available!

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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow