I want to have sex with Seth Rogen, the star of the upcoming Observe and Report (and numerous other Judd Apatow-type vehicles).
First up, let me say that Miss Pop Rocks is happily married, and she wouldn't cheat on her man even if Mr. Rogen showed up at her house with a box of Godivas and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire. But in theory -- in a purely theoretical way -- I want to have sex with him.
And this makes no sense to me.
Biology seems to suggest that as a woman, I should be attracted to a man with a lot of lean muscle mass and broad shoulders. A man whose swagger implies that he will be able to provide me with viable sperm and go out and work in the fields and use a hammer and shit like that.
Pudgy Seth Rogen is not that man.
Yet I am attracted to Seth Rogen.
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It seems there are two kinds of women in the world. The women who are attracted to the Jake Ryan, captain of the football team, regional manager types, and the women who are attracted to the Lloyd Dobler, captain of the potheads, Monty Python types.
I am the latter, I suppose, which is where the Seth Rogen thing comes into play. (And Mr. Pop Rocks, too, for that matter.) I am not and have never been interested in big muscle men with thick necks who can change tires and spit and grab themselves, despite the fact that this kind of man -- in a purely evolutionary sense -- would be the better bet in terms of my long term survival. What I have always sought out is a man who can crack dirty jokes and toss off clever one-liners. If I were a cavewoman, I would be hungry, but I would be laughing a lot, I suppose.
Do you think women like me are not supposed to breed? Are we are destined to exist only to serve as an audience for our out-of-shape, slightly buzzed partners? Or did Darwin have a special plan for those of us who are motivated by more than just body type?
At any rate, Seth Rogen's a doll, and I can't wait to see Observe and Report. And if any biologists out there could answer my question about why I want to have sex with him, I would certainly appreciate it. Thanks.