Now that Dwight Howard has made his decision on where he intends to play basketball for the next few years of his life, I suppose this is how it will go for the foreseeable future.
Shaquille O'Neal said that Howard ran from the bright lights so he could hide in our "little town."
Phil Jackson said that Pau Gasol is a better fit than Dwight for Mike D'Antoni's offense anyway.
Kobe Bryant simply put a picture of himself and Pau Gasol on Instagram, while unfollowing Howard on Twitter. (SOCIAL MEDIA BURN!)
When you say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to a franchise as storied as the Lakers, in a city with as much star power as Los Angeles, for those you leave behind, it's not so much "good-bye" as it is "fuck you."
And when it comes to Ice Cube bidding farewell to Dwight, I mean that it's "fuck you" quite literally.
The gangster rapper turned lighthearted comedic actor is one of the more renowned celebrity Laker fans in the City of Angels, and like practically every other Lakers fan, Ice Cube is incredulous that Dwight Howard could willingly choose to play on a team with a 24-year-old All-Star shooting guard, a budding nucleus and a Hall of Fame player as a head coach, all in a state with no state income tax.
Cube can't believe that Dwight would choose that scenario over playing with a team whose average age in the starting lineup is 34, whose best player is coming off of Achilles surgery, whose coach runs a system that's a terrible fit and whose owner is a petty clown, in a state with 13% income tax (THIRTEEN PERCENT!).
In short, Ice Cube is a typical Lakers fan: myopic, delusional, and stuck somewhere between 1988 and 2010.
(Sidebar: There was a time where I would have been terrified to make fun of Ice Cube, back when he would regularly spit out lyrics about AK-47s being jammed into various bodily cavities. But now, well, now he argues over whether or not he is cooler than a beer can....
....so I'm far less scared of him.)
Well, over the weekend, Cube was performing at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles, and took that opportunity to get off this little Howard-related rant (warning: NSFW, unless you work in sports talk radio):
Mini Zapruder time... 0:18 -- "FUCK DWIGHT HOWARD....GOT DAMMIT!" Even though he makes borderline horrible comedy films and has strayed from the gun-toting-menace persona that originally made him famous, nobody can scream "GOT DAMMIT" quite like Ice Cube. Still cool enough to where it would be his catchphrase if he were in WWE. Would love to see Ice Cube and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (in a battle of the "dudes whose nicknames have FRIGID metaphors") just go back and forth screaming "WHAT?!?" and "GOT DAMMIT!" at each other.
"GOT DAMMIT!!"...."WHAT?!?"....."GOT DAMMIT!!"...."WHAT?!?" ... "GOT DAMMIT!!"...."WHAT?!?"....
0:27 -- "beeeeeeep....beep..beep...beeeeeeep" I speak fluent censor-beep, and what Ice Cube was saying there is "Fuck Dwight Howard, fuck Dwight Howard, fuck Dwight howard" times 50.
0:35 -- "...[something, something]...Dwight COWARD..." Dwight Coward! BURN!!! You hear that, Dwight? Your name rhymes with the word for someone who's scared...you're a coward! You're DWIGHT COWARD! Ohhh, man, how's that taste, Dwight?!? Now you know how I felt when the kids called me Tender-ass...
0:40 -- "We don't need no [BEEP] on our team..." Not sure what word they beeped out, but it couldn't have been "scorer," "rebounder" or "shot blocker," because the Lakers need all three of those in the worst way.
0:43 -- "He don't deserve to go up on that GOT DAMN wall!" "GOT DAMN!!"...."WHAT?!?"...."GOT DAMN!!"...."WHAT?!?".....
0:48 -- "So tonight I predict that Kobe will win another championship before Dwight Howard ever SNIFF ONE!!" I don't know if the middle of an adrenaline-fueled concert tirade is the right time to present logic to a gangster rapper, but perhaps Cube should let Kobe make sure his tattered Achilles works before he starts putting another trophy on his Accounts Payable. Maybe.
And with his tirade against Dwight Howard finished, Ice Cube exclaimed that he banged Chris Bosh's wife!
(Just kidding. That's Li'l Wayne's go-to move.)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.