If You Can't Join Them, Beat Them: Dynamo Win Big

The Major League Soccer All-Star Game is coming up on July 25, 2012, to be played in PPL Park in Philadelphia. Coaching the MLS All-Stars against Chelsea FC is DC United's Ben Olsen.

Like the NBA and MLB All-Star games, MLS fans vote for the starting lineup, known as the Starting XI. After that, the commissioner votes in two players and the coach chooses the remainder of the squad. Olsen chose a couple of Sounders -- giving Seattle fan's an even bigger head -- an RSL midfielder, and his own striker, Chris Pontius. Who he left out, besides numerous deserving players not Sounders players or Pontius, were Dynamo players.

Well, Olsen and his DC United pals came to town last night, and the Dynamo gave him a big fuck you in the form of a 4-0 ass whooping.

Hair Balls decided to grade possible Dynamo All-Star snubs on how they did in front of coach Olsen and United.

The veterans All-Star/ Pro Bowl games are what they are, exhibition matches. Not only does the league showcase the young talent, but they also pay homage to the veterans that got them where they are today.

One such veteran is Dynamo midfielder Brad Davis. Last year, he led MLS in assists with 15. This year, he has been the single constant on Dynamo midfield. Since the team's move to the 4-3-3 formation, his assist numbers have dropped -- though back-to-back scoreless draws bring down all offensive numbers. However, he's still MLS's deadliest left-footed wingman.

Besides being the steady rock in the midfield, holding up possession and being the catalyst for offensive plays, Davis scored the first goal of the match, albeit from the penalty spot. To add to his reputation of "leading assist man," Davis also had a foot in the Dynamo's third goal, adding another assist to his tally.

Then there's Brian Ching, who more than likely is playing in his final year before hanging up his boots. You would think that Commissioner Don Garber or Olsen would have brought him in as a "lifetime achievement" player, but they showed their class (or lack of it). Ching also showed his class too, knocking in the fourth goal in the 89th minute -- also from the penalty box.

Unfortunately, both players have seen better days, but that didn't stop either player from saying, "hey Olsen, eff you!" through their play.

The new guy Big name designated players always make the All-Star game; it's like a birth-right or something. Dynamo forward Boniek Garcia is not big named, just plays like it. Since his arrival to Houston, Garcia has played the full 90 minutes in all three matches; he's probably had as much time in practice sessions.

Sunday night, Garcia showed Olsen what's he's capable of. In the 37th minute, he got his second assist of the season. He found Luiz Camargo making a run just inside the box. Camargo quickly passed back to a wide open Will Bruin, who didn't hesitate to make goal number 10 on the season, and give the Orange a 2-0 lead.

In the 62nd minute, Garcia was the hero, knocking in his first MLS goal, and the first ever from his head. "I've never had the opportunity to head a ball into goal," Garcia said. "Today the opportunity presented itself and I'm very pleased."

Although it was purely pleasure thinking about Garcia making the All-Star Squad, it was never going to materialize. Still, he also used his play to tell Mr. Olsen to eff off -- in Spanish.

The "in-form" guy It's almost impossible to fathom Olsen missing on Will Bruin. Last year, Bruin scored a hat trick against on DC. Earlier this season, on April 28, Bruin had two goals in losing effort at RFK Stadium in Washington.

On Sunday night, Bruin added one more goal to his impressive sheet against DC. Just before the half, Camargo received the ball on the endline from Garcia, slid his pass back to center of the box where a wide open Bruin cashed in his 10th goal of the season, 5th career goal against DC.

Enjoy the plane ride back to DC, Coach Olsen; cause you just got punked by the dancing bear.

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Danny Lopez