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Ike Spawns UFO Cover-Up, Exclusive Report Claims

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The

Houston Chronicle

is no doubt hoping desperately for a Pulitzer nomination for its Ike coverage (every paper whose town gets hit by a hurricane does), but we're afraid they have no chance.

They have been beaten, like a rented mule, on the single biggest Ike story.

It's the utterly respected (yet somehow Pultizer-free) Weekly World News, the paper that has been out front on stories like the Bat Boy and Bush and Hillary's meetings with aliens.

"UFO Found on Beach After Hurricane Ike" is the headline. A photo, which absolutely does not look Photoshopped if you stand 20 feet away from your computer screen, is included.

But the UFO discovery is not the strangest part of the tale.

What's strange is that the aliens were drunk. Flying while intoxicated.

The source tells WWN that the drowned corpses of two space alien astronauts were found in the saucer-shaped craft’s cockpit. What appeared to be unearthly beer bottles scattered on the floor suggested that the aliens had been flying inebriated.

The government, which has seized the UFO, has imposed a total news blackout, with officials refusing to confirm any aspect of the sensational story.

Where's Wayne Dolcefino when you need him?

The article, which is on the Internet so it has to be true, ends this way:

Other amazing discoveries reportedly found inside the saucer include: a McDonald’s Happy Meal, a collection of intergalactic microbrewery beer bottle caps and a DVR box holding two weeks’ worth of the new supernatural TV show, Fringe.

We want that bottle-cap collection.

-- Richard Connelly

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